obscurefan (Level 26)

Thousands of people took today off work to play Diablo 3, I have the day off and have never played Diablo ever #irony
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The Snubbies
Added by on March 5, 2012 | |

Welp, Hollywood’s biggest night has come and gone, and once again movie fans everywhere are left going “…okay… I guess… yeah, it was… it was good.” Listen, I like the Oscars, I do, it’s like prom except that I don’t have to wear a tux and can get drunk during it. But if you don’t think the awards are biased and capable of being bought and sold, well then you haven’t watched them since… well probably the first one. The average age of the people on the Academy is 64 and almost all of them are white men, so in other words they don’t have the widest range of taste. They know what they like and they like what they know.

Well I say it’s time for this to stop! … Of course I’m just some guy on the internet who has no real power, and we saw what happened last year when the Academy tried to shake things up by getting two young host who weren’t actually host (oh Oscars, you’re so meta). So instead I got several movie buff friends of mine together, watched as many films from last year that we could (we got to each of the ones nominated except for Albert Nobbs the Iron, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Shame), and we decided to present you with our own special awards show. So without further ado…

The SNUBBIES

Live, from Screened’s unofficial New York office (by which we mean we’ve received multiple cease and desist orders from them to stop calling ourselves that), it’s the first annual Snubbies, the award show for the rest of us, the film critics who don’t just watch British period pieces, the film critics who can admit that serious dramas can be just as good as a sci-fi spectacular or laugh out loud comedy.

On this blog we’re going to present you with twenty two different awards, some of which are the same ones everyone gives out, and some of them are our own twist on awards that other shows give out but we decided to skew it slightly. Here’s how it will work, each category will have five nominees, except for screenplay and director which have six (because we wanted to give extra tribute to the influence those have on the film) and for the best picture awards which will have seven (why seven? Because it’s a lucky number, and because we couldn’t bring ourselves to knock any other films off the list, how can we have snubs in the Snubbies?). Also when it comes to films and performances we’re going to take a tip from the Golden Globes and separate it into two groups, Comedy and Drama. But even though they’re called Drama and Comedy, that doesn’t mean that’s all they are. We’re using Comedy and Drama as avatars for the two different types of films, the light and the dark. Comedy will include the lighter side of films, comedies, family films, romances, etc, and Drama will include the heavier side, dramas, thriller, horror, etc. Also throughout the show we’re going to have special little awards just for fun, because what would an award show be without filler?

So enough of the explanations, let’s get the first award underway.

Best Costume Design

And the Winner is…

Hugo
Hugo

The Artist did a wonderful job of taking us back in time to the 20s, and Harry Potter created a world of magic with its clothing, but only Hugo really combined those two concepts into one. Every bit of fabric used in these costumes reflected the times but was exaggerated just enough to make it seem as imaginative as the films it paid tribute to.

Best Stage and Set Design

And the Winner is…

Midnight in Paris
Midnight in Paris

Woody Allen wanted all of us to fall in love with Paris and see it the way he did, and wanted to make us love the 20s just as much as the protagonist did. And through amazing sets and locations this film really pulled it off.

Best Makeup

And the Winner is…

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

You know when it comes to these more technical awards, I don’t believe that whatever film had the widest scope of it should win, but rather what film did what it had to do the best. But it just so happens that in this case, those two are one in the same. Because it’s one thing to have such a large team that turns normal people into goblins and warlocks, it’s another to have them do it so well.

Best Sound Editing and Effects

Now here is where we start to get a little different from the normal awards, because unlike the Oscars we’re combining all the sound categories together in one award that simply celebrates the film that uses sounds the best. I could go into more details about what I mean by that, but why not just give you the nominees…

And the winner is…

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Rise of the Planet of the Apes made me feel like I was surrounded by destruction and rampaging chimps, War Horse made me feel like I was on the battlefield, Drive made me feel like I was in a get-away car… But Girl with the Dragon Tattoo made me feel like I had bugs crawling on me. Just little things like a stray violin or piano note, not part of a score but just put in there for effect, really did so much to create a great mood for that film.

Best Visual Effects

And the Winner is…

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Years from now when Hollywood is only using MoCap and robots are our masters, I know that everyone is going to point to Lord of the Rings and say “Well that’s where MoCap really proved what it can do.” But honestly, I have to say this is the film that absolutely put its foot down and said “Oh you want to know what MoCap can do? Then just look at how we made this chimp scowl.” Just looking at what they did with Caesar and not just his physical acting but his expressions and how they were able to make him convey emotions, really makes me realize how far technology has come.

Best Achievement in Animation

Another category we do that’s different from what the Oscars and Golden Globes do, because we actually realize that Animation is not a genre, it’s an art form. So we don’t judge these films on which was actually the best movie, but which one used animation the best. And the nominees are…

And the Winner is…

The Adventures of Tintin
The Adventures of Tintin

Hey, Rango had some really impressive animation, especially when it came to the texture of each character. But as far as animation goes, Tintin did something amazing, they actually crossed the Uncanny Valley. They actually made realistic looking human characters that didn’t look like freaky computer people. There were several moments in that film when I actually forgot I was watching animation and thought it was live action. Take all that and what they did with MoCap into consideration and this sweeps this award.

Best Score/Soundtrack

Unlike some other award shows that I could name, we don’t just look at original scores and judge which one sounds the best. We look at all the music that is created and/or used for a movie, and more importantly HOW it is used in the film, and judge which one enhances the film the most. And the nominees are...

Before I give the winner, let me just say this was easily the most fun category on this list. There was some amazing music this year and having to get this list down to five was difficult to say the least. The fact that Midnight in Paris and Adventures of Tintin had to be bumped off says a lot about these nominees, but in the end there can only be one winner, and that winner is…

Hanna
Hanna

The music in The Muppets had me walking on air for days, but sadly I have to take some points off because, well, sorry Jason Segel you just can’t sing. And Girl with the Dragon Tattoo had wonderfully creepy music, but it kind of blew its wad with the best song right at the beginning. So between the remaining three, each of them were jaw dropping and we went back and forth over and over and over again on this, but in the end we each had to agree that while the Artist and Attack the Block had fantastic music, Hanna is the only one that actually made each of us stop during the middle of the movie and go “Holy $%@k... this music is so damn good.

Best Cinematography

  • The Artist
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
  • Limitless
  • Midnight in Paris
  • The Tree of Life

And the winner is…

The Artist
The Artist

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’s cinematography made you feel like you were in a frozen dank nightmare, Midnight in Paris made you feel like you were actually in this French dreamland, Limitless made you feel the two worlds this man went through when he was on and off of a powerful drug, and Tree of Life’s cinematography almost made you forget that this was the movie of a crazy person. But The Artist not only recaptured the style of the silent film era, it did it better than any of those actual silent films ever did. Just imagine what had to have gone through the cinematographer’s mind when he was told “you have to recreate a film style that hasn’t been used in eighty years.” A lesser filmmaker would have just shot the movie normally and then made it black and white, but not these guys, they did their homework and it shows.

Best Adapted Screenplay

And the Winner is…

Ides of March
Ides of March

Hey I love Sorkin as much as the next guy, but compared to his other recent works, Moneyball just fell a little short for me. And the Whistleblower had one of the best second halves of a film I’ve seen this year, but the first half just felt too much like a TV drama for me to give it this award. And yes, the script for The Descendants is amazing, and every single part of me wants to give the award to it… except my conscious keeps reminding me of that stoner boyfriend character in the movie who I just couldn’t enjoy, every word out of his mouth seemed like a forced afterthought and made me want to yell out “get out of this movie so I can give it a perfect score!” So because of that, it is with a heavy sigh that I give it to the actual winner, Ides of March. I enjoy good political thrillers, and this was one of the best written ones in years. A lot of people criticized it because they didn’t find it believable, but speaking as a guy who used to work for a fairly progressive governor a few years back and went into it all wide eyed and hopeful like Ryan Gosling, I can say this is in fact super believable. I’m not even sure this script was adapted from a novel, I think it was adapted from my 2008 diary, that’s how believably creepy this movie is.

Best Original Screenplay

And the Winner is…

Midnight in Paris
Midnight in Paris

Tucker and Dale Vs Evil is one of the smartest comedies in a while and if you are someone who loves studying films and deconstructing them then it is an absolute must for you because of how well it takes apart the horror genre. 50/50? Hey man, they actually made a funny movie about cancer. Do you know how hard that is? That is a tight rope walk if I’ve ever seen one, and yet they did it without touching the ground once. Attack the Block deserves major respect for capturing such a great sense of comradely and making you actually like these guys who start off as the worst scum in London. The Guard brought us a great new character in Gerry Boyle, and you had better believe I want to see him make a return. And Warrior? Wow you talk about a film that was overlooked. This is the Rocky of our time, and it somehow is actually able to make a double underdog story, where you find yourself routing for both characters even though you know only one can win. But in the end, sorry guys, Midnight in Paris was Woody Allen’s return. I have no idea who that other guy was that was pretending to be him for the past decade or two, but that guy is gone and we finally got another Annie Hall. That’s right, I said it! This movie deserves the award for that Hemmingway speech about being a writer alone, it’s that good.

Best Director

And the Winner is…

Michel Hazanavicius - The Artist
Michel Hazanavicius - The Artist

David Fincher made Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a startling and eerie thrill ride, but it’s hard to say how much of that was him and how much of that was inspiration taken from the original film. Alexander Payne was able to get a great cast to come together and deliver stunning performances… except for that freaking stoner boyfriend! I know I should cut my losses and pretend like he wasn’t there, but I can’t. And Joe Wright showed how to put your artistic vision and touch into an action film, a very different genre, for which he deserves an award… but sadly it won’t be this one. And I know I just got done saying Woody Allen is back, but even he couldn’t compete with Hazanavicius this year. Just like the actors, cinematographer, and everyone else working on this film, the director had to take the style of silent films, and think of a way to adapt that to modern film audiences without losing any of the charm. And for achieving this better than anyone could have expected, I have to give this award to Hazanavicius.

Alright, onto the final round, the actors. But first, how about we kill some time with a couple of awards to films we wanted to spotlight but just couldn’t think of any other way to fit them in?

Best Opening

- The Guard

Best Movie that Actually Came out in 2010 but got a 2011 US Release Date

- 13 Assassins

Best Action Scene

- Super 8 (I’m no physicist, but I’m pretty sure trains don’t explode like that, but who cares)

Movie that Would Have Improved the Most by Removing a Specific Character

- The Descendants – The Stoner Boyfriend (with the Muppets and Jason Segel in a close second)

Best Movie My Girlfriend Really Loved so I Therefore Need to Include it on Here Somewhere

- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Best Trailer

- Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Do I even need to link to the trailer? You know the one I’m talking about.)

Best Character

- Moses from Attack the Block (if only there was an award for coolest movie)

Best Jack Russell Terrier

- Uggie from The Artist (Sorry Cosmo from Beginners, your ability to telepathically talk to Ewan McGregor got you a close second though)

Welp, that wasted a couple of minutes, now back to the main show. Just like with the Golden Globes we’ve divided these next awards into Comedy and Drama, but as I said earlier those two names more or less represent light and dark, uplifting and serious, vanilla and chocolate. Comedy will include everything from comedy, to family films, to romance, whereas Drama will include everything from drama, to thriller, to horror, and so forth. Now you might be thinking, but what if something fits into two categories? Well in that case we just thought “Which does this fit into more,” took a vote, and then decided where to put it. Is it a perfect system? Nope, but it works. So without further ado, I present you with…

Best Supporting Actor – Comedy

And the Winner is…

Andy Serkis - Captain Haddock - The Adventures of Tintin
Andy Serkis - Captain Haddock - The Adventures of Tintin

Alan Tudyk played such a loveable good ol’ boy in Tucker and Dale, Christopher Plummer gave a stirring and moving performance that really made you feel the pain of a man who had come out of the closet too late in life, NPH was only on screen for five minutes but totally stole that movie and made it his own in that time, and Kenneth Branagh wins the award this year for character I most want to see a spin off for (My Week with Laurence, think about it Hollywood). But in the end, you have to give it up to Andy Serkis. This is a guy who is known so much just for his physical work, which he does marvelously in Tintin, but I never really noticed until this movie how well he did voices. I scoured the internet for days checking to see if someone else did the voice of Captain Haddock because I just couldn’t believe that the same guy who did Gollum was able to capture this comically drunk sea captain so well. But in the end I had to admit, it wasn’t someone else, Andy Serkis just gave that good of a performance.

Best Supporting Actress – Comedy

And the Winner is…

Marion Cotillard - Adriana - Midnight in Paris
Marion Cotillard - Adriana - Midnight in Paris

Ellen Page captured our hearts as the crazy psychopath we’d all want and fear as a sidekick, Maya Rudolph played both a supportive friend but also the voice of the audience when someone had to finally tell Kristen Wiig she was acting like a crazy person, Bryce Dallas Howard did the impossible by playing a cheating girlfriend… who you actually kind of understood and sympathized with, and Judi Dench… well she was only in the movie for four scenes but gosh darn she was so charming. But in the end Marion Cotillard served as the perfect metaphor for the past and for all the reasons why Owen Wilson pined for it, she charmed the audience so much that any of us would gladly run into a magic carriage to leave the internet and modern medicine for her.

Best Supporting Actor – Drama

And the Winner is…

Nick Nolte - Paddy Conlon - Warrior
Nick Nolte - Paddy Conlon - Warrior

I’ve heard so many people talk about how Albert Brooks not being nominated for Drive is the biggest snub of the year, and I may have to agree with them on that. He’s not in the movie much, but what he is there for is an incredibly stunning performance. Just that line about his hands being dirty sends chills down my spine. But in the end, I have to give this to Nick Nolte, because while Brooks delivers a great performance as a mob boss, we only really see him as that, while Nolte shows us so many sides of this drunk abusive father who spent years trying to get his life back together, only to still be rejected by his sons, until eventually he just can’t take it anymore. If you are a guy and you have yet to use up your “One Cry in the Theater” ticket for the year, then watch Warrior and Nolte will force you to use it up.

Best Supporting Actress – Drama

And the Winner is…

Bryce Dallas Howard - Hilly Holbrook - The Help
Bryce Dallas Howard - Hilly Holbrook - The Help

First off, let me just say to Shailene Woodley, please keep acting. You delivered a great performance this year in the Descendants and if you keep at it then I can guarantee you are not far off from getting some major recognition. And to the other actresses from The Help, I am so glad that this film let the world see what you can do, especially Octavia Spencer, a woman who is long overdue for some more serious parts that show off her range. But in the end I have to give this to the performance that hit me the hardest, and Bryce Dallas Howard was so frighteningly evil and malevolent in this movie that if I ever met her in real life I would just have to run the other direction. After watching her performance I wanted to go out and punch the first white person I saw in the face and just tell them “You know what you did!”

Best Lead Actress – Comedy

Before I get to the winner, can I just make a plea to Hollywood? Hollywood, please give more women leading roles in comedies. You have no idea how hard this category was to fill out because studio executives still won’t give women a chance to show how they can carry a comedy, and when they do get the chance it’s usually in a terrible romantic comedy that is just insulting. And before anyone shouts out “Hey why not nominate the women in Bridesmaids?” Sigh… listen, Bridesmaids was good, very funny and well done… but it’s not good enough to get any award nominations, despite how young it makes the Oscars feel to give them one.

Anyways, and the Winner is…

Michelle Williams - Marilyn Monroe - My Week with Marilyn
Michelle Williams - Marilyn Monroe - My Week with Marilyn

Bernice Bejo gave a performance that touched our hearts and turned that part into more than just a supporting role and really deserves to be called a Lead performance, and Amy Ryan showed such strength and warmth in her character that it made the whole audience go “Damn, that’s what a mother should be.” But in the end Michelle Williams made a whole new generation of filmgoers truly understand why Marilyn Monroe won over the world. For anyone out there who doesn’t get why she was the star that she was, just watch this performance, Michelle Williams has so much charm and charisma on the screen that it spills out into the audience.

Best Lead Actor – Comedy

And the Winner is…

Jean Dujardin - George Valentin - The Artist
Jean Dujardin - George Valentin - The Artist

Both Brendan Gleeson and Johnny Depp created wonderful characters that I’m going to remember forever, and if anyone else had played those rolls then there is no way they would have been as effective. But in the end Jean Dujardin has to take this one home. He had to relearn everything about acting that we had been told not to do, and he had to make us love him for it. I don’t think people realize just how many ways the Artist could have gone wrong, but it was a massive success and that was in no small part thanks to the pure charm that Dujardin gave his performance.

Best Lead Actress – Drama

And the Winner is…

Rooney Mara - Lisbeth Salander - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Rooney Mara - Lisbeth Salander - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I’m slowly running out of ways to describe how good the crop of performances we got this year were. I mean Saoirse Ronan comes out of nowhere to establish herself as a great actress in just one performance, and Rachel Weisz made you really feel the pain of her battle to expose human trafficking when everyone was against her. And Viola Davis, damn, I’m having trouble thinking of anyone else who could have given Aibileen Clark such character. But in the end I have to give it to Rooney Mara, because she was able to transform into something that wasn’t even… well wasn’t quite human is the best way I can say it, yet was still believable. Mara makes you feel for and even root for a character who you were scared out of your mind by a few minutes ago.

Best Lead Actor – Drama

And the Winner is…

Ryan Gosling - The Driver - Drive
Ryan Gosling - The Driver - Drive

Really Hugh Jackman? You were offered this role and turned it down for Real Steel? Really? I know I should be taking this time to talk about how great all the other performances were, like how Michael Fassbender made Magneto not only insanely smooth and cool but also sympathetic, or like how George Clooney showed a side of himself that we haven’t seen from him before in those scenes between just him and his coma stricken wife, or how Tom Hardy became a complete chameleon and disappeared into this roll of a man-beast who just wanted to do right one last time before running away, or like how Michael Shannon was able to capture a man descending into madness so well it makes you wonder how he could prepare for that role. But all I can do is just ponder how Hugh Jackman could have thought Real Steel would be better than the title role in Drive. But hey, good thing he did because Ryan Gosling knocked this out of the park. At first he plays a character so quiet and calm you think he’s just some sweet misunderstood character who just needs a chance to do good. But he is able to change that on a dime and make you realize “Oh no, he’s not quiet because he’s sweet, he’s quiet because he has a monster inside of him and when it comes out someone gets their face stomped in.” The ending of the movie is kind of left up to our imagination, but whether it be a sequel or a prequel or whatever, this is just a character we need to see again and it’s all because of Gosling’s performance.

Best Ensemble Cast

That’s right, we realize that you can’t just put the greatness of a film all on just one person’s shoulders. We took a cue from the SAG awards, and decided to include an award for every piece that came together to create the puzzle that is a film. And the nominees are…

  • The Descendants
  • Drive
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
  • The Help
  • My Week with Marilyn

Before presenting the winner, let me just say one last time, wow, there were some incredible performances this year. I had to kick off so many films from this list to get it down to five. Warrior, Ides of March, Hugo, The Artist, Hanna, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, so many more, each had cast where everyone did exactly what they should have done to make it the best movie they could, and I just wanted to say that I wish we could have included all of you. But without further ado, the Winner is…

Drive
Drive

I’ve already talked about how great Ryan Gosling is in this, and about how much Albert Brooks deserved a nomination, and how Carey Mulligan added so much to the movie with her character, but take all three of them and throw in Bryan Cranston’s sympathetic character Shannon and Ron Perlman’s intimidating performance as Nino, and this movie takes the award in the end.

We’re almost there folks, only two nominees left and we’re only an hour and a half behind schedule, not too bad. So without further ado I give you…

Best Picture – Comedy

  • 50/50
  • The Artist
  • Midnight in Paris
  • My Week with Marilyn
  • The Muppets
  • Rango
  • Tucker and Dale Vs Evil

And the Winner is…

The Artist
The Artist

I’ve already said it over and over again, there are so many ways that the Artist could have been a laughable failure, or come off as just another pompous art piece. This wasn’t a movie where one or two things going right would have made a good movie, this is one of those movies that could only work once and only if every single thing went right. And somehow that’s exactly what happened. They were able to make a film that was not only very artsy, but also had mass audience appeal with its story and loveable characters.

Best Picture – Drama

  • The Descendants
  • Drive
  • Hanna
  • The Help
  • Hugo
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • Warrior

And the Winner is…

Hanna
Hanna

Seriously, are we the only people who remember this movie came out last year? I remember when it came out in April so many critics went head over heels for it, then totally forgot it existed by award season. I was actually working in a theater at the time doing focus groups, and some audience member (full grown man) came up to me three days after Hanna had come out and asked if I had seen it yet. He said it was his new favorite movie and he had already seen it four times, and after finally seeing it myself I understand why. Sure it might not have won many awards here tonight, but it came in second or third in almost everything we nominated it for, and when you look at it like that it creates one of the best all around films. The music, the acting, the writing, the directing, sure other films might have outdone it in one or two of those categories, but this is really the only film on this list that I look at and think “I can’t really punch any holes in this.” Hanna did what so few films can do, it made an action film, with a strong female protagonist, and they made it artsy. Just like I said with the Artist, this is a movie where everything had to have gone right, and it did.

Well that’s it everyone, thanks for sitting through this. We might not have the big performances and stars of the Oscars, but we don’t have any montages comparing Twilight to The Godfather, so it all evens out in my opinion.

If you like what you read then you can follow me, Aaron, on twitter @theobscurefan and my partner tonight, Michelle, who also provided the artwork, on twitter as well @Miss_Skribblez

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