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| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Seriously, how? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I wish I knew. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I got the information because... I'm psychic. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Get him out of here! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh boy! (leaning against the door, looks at Officer Allen) Your grandmother would be so proud. |
| Officer Allen | You spoke to her? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans. |
| Officer Allen | The palm readers? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
The palm readers. |
| Lucinda Barry | Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(Moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Barry) How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1... (Turns to Officer McNab) When's the wedding? |
| Buzz McNab |
|
May 3rd- wait, how'd you know? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good! |
| Buzz McNab |
|
Wow. That's amazing! |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Oh come on, who is buying this? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You solved one mystery, and now you're renting office space? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, I've solved a bunch of mysteries! For instance, the mystery of who kept stealing your newspaper. Answer: me! The mystery of what we're doing this weekend. Hint: it involves dragsters. |
| Lucinda | You here to scope out the new meter maids? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
No, I am here to see you. |
| Lucinda | Not interested. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I know. You have someone special. He's married and/or separated. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
[picking up gun] Wow, they're so much lighter when they're filled with water. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn, we need to go. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Not yet. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I'm about to throw up on a Turkish carpet. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
No you're not. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
It's in my esophagus! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Second door to the left. Turn on the fan, and flush. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
What's your dental plan? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Don't get cavities |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Health plan? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Same, but with hepatitis and shingles. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
If I cut him open and leave him out here, you can not testify against me. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Come with me. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Uh, no. I'm never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I have a job for you. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I already have a job. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
They're paying you to play video games? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
How do you do that? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Come on, left hand space bar, right hand arrow keys. Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks. |
| Police Operator | And is there anything else tonight? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
No that's gonna do it. Well, actually the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated. |
| Waitress | I guess I know what you're going to be when you grow up. | |
| Young Shawn | Oh, I'm never going to grow up, Ma'am. |
| Thrift Store Guy | I've gone to jail for less than you. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Jail's no fun. I'll tell you that much. |
| Thrift Store Guy | Oh, you've been. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Once. In Monopoly. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This one takes the cake. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I didn't realize experience was necessary. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, you locked the car?! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
It's a bad neighborhood! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Give me some money. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Get your own money! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, I'll give it back... seriously, this is all you carry? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why didn't you just call it "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department; hope we don't make a mistake and somebody dies because of it"? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long; it would never fit on the window. And secondly the best way you convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
[after getting Katarina's father arrested]So you think this pretty much blows my chances with Katarina? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
You solved all these crimes- what was it- watching the local channel 8 news reports? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
All right, I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch channel 6. I prefer channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
So you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Can't you? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Don't you try and trivialize police work. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Where were you the night of the last robber? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I was robbing a stereo shop. (laughs) I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing: not solving crime. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
You're not helping your case here. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Oh, you're our lead suspect. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I gave you the guy! |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
He had a partner. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
See your information was good, so good, it could only have come from the inside. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Inside of what? Look, I've called in dozens of tips okay? Just check it out. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like, Oh you're currently unemployed, you've never held a job for more than 6 months, and you have a criminal record. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I was eighteen. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Oh, eighteen? Well that makes it ok, let me just scratch this out. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I borrowed a car. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
You stole a car. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
To impress a girl. |
| Lucinda Barry | Was she? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Very, till they slapped the cuffs on her. Then all of a sudden she's the wild child she claimed to be. |
| Lucinda Barry | Look forgive us Mr. Spencer if this seems far-fetched. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Would it help at if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation, and I was 0 for high-school? Ok, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Did you learn it? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I learned I hate my father, so sure. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This is a great plan! Camden McCallum deserves to be commended. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Maybe you should date him too! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Maybe I will! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You're dating a murderer! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Not exclusively. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
So, we've got five stacks going across. You figure four going longways. Ten stacks in each pile based on the wear and the indentation. I don't know, depending on the denomination, this could easily be five million dollars. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You're kidding. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yeah, give or take. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You got that from a groove on the side? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh, come on, Gus. Any small child could've figured that out. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
See, the problem is butyraceous is clearly a round one word. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh, God! Stop talking. I'd like to pretend we still have things in common, Gus. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Uh, excuse me. You're in my seat. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Am I? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Actually, yes, you are. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
You one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair, and eat the same food every day? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Uh, no, no, no. I was sitting right there three minutes ago, and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered a juice, and look, I made a crawling snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you're up to the job. |
| Karen Vick |
|
Why can't he ever just tell us to arrest someone? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
He does this a lot? |
| Lassiter, Vick | Yes. |
| Man | Is everything OK up there? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
It's fine... Uh, Banana. |
| Contestant 118 | Can you repeat that? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yes... Banana |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
(whispering) Banana, Shawn? It's the third round! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(whispering) You could have help me! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
(whispering) This is a debt Shawn. We're walking Let's go. |
| Contestant 118 | Definition, please. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(whispering) What...? (into microphone) A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding. |
| Contestant 118 | Sentence, please | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Anna Banana would like to hear 'Venus' by Bananarama... Banana. |
| Contestant 118 | B-A-N-A-N-A |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Ahh! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shhh! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I'm sorry my agonizing pain is inconveniencing you. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh, come on dude. You're not bored at all? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Do you know how to spell any of these words? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Proudly, I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under 'Things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed'. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes. |
| Spelling Bee Mom: | ... huh? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(imitating Juliet) Oh, I like your jacket. I like it, I like it! |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Okay, can I stop you there? First off, in your portrayal of me, I sound like I'm in the eighth grade. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Well, in my portrayal of you, you only have an eighth grade education. All right, uh.. smarten you up. Uh, college? Yeah? Top of your class? Graduated early? Got it. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Okay, Shawn, I'm gonna need you to do me a favor. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Name it. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Duck. (pulls out her gun) |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You don't smell that? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I don't smell anything. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
That's because you don't have the Super Smeller! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to name a body part man, name your butt. Call it the tight-bouncer or the hexagon. |
| Henry Spencer |
|
You got more wood out back, nails on the workbench, Home Depot is open till 9... don't cut any corners. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Dude, what is your glitch? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(about his eighth grade doghouse) It's creepy that you kept this! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I tried to get tickets, but you've got to know somebody. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Somebody lame. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
My visions enslave me. I'm like a slave to my visions. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Want me to cuff him? |
| Karen Vick |
|
Why? Why would I want that? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Just a suggestion. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I made a list of suspects after attending Lassiter's briefing |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
He let you into his briefing? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
He does when you're in the air shaft |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh. Uh, Lassiter has this insane idea that this is an elaborate heist like on par with Oceans Eleven or Thomas Crown or, uh, the one where they kill Donald Sutherland in the first 10 minutes--the remake. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I think I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Like an impersonator? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
No, I think it really was Patrick Swayze! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus... have you tried this chair? It's a pregnancy chair. We have to get one for the office immediately; my birthing canal has never felt so in line. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Eyes of a serpent, ears of a bat, send us a signal from-- |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
--I hear a voooice... |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Can I see you outside please? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
It wants me to come outsiiiiiiide. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
NOW! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I should goooo! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Is that my bath robe? (they move to the other room and Gus closes the shades) What are you doing? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
What does it look like I’m doing? I'm having a séance. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You can't have a séance. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, there are no rules against having a séance. Anyone can have one. It's like a garage sale or plastic surgery. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Okay, first of all, technically... you need to have a permit to have a garage sale. Secondly, you cannot speak to the dead! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
This is breaking and entering! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
No, no, no... only if we break something... and then enter something. Entering is just entering. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, I'm not a mind-reader. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
No, that's just what you tell everybody |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
There is a witness. There's a cat. I want to talk to that cat as soon as he's finished licking himself. (Shawn continues watching the cat) Wow... I'm jealous. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Muscom? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
What the hell is a Muscom? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
It was a very common name of the era. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
(surprised, Shawn looks at Gus) History channel! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Do you not knock? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
There's no door |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
And? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Good morning detectives… collecting donations for the policeman's ball? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
We don't have balls. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I honestly have no response to that. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Uhh… the case gets solved. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Don't touch that, it's blood |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
It's not blood |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Enjoy your hepatitis. |
| George Takei | Why are you telling people you are my assistants? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Uhh, because we are your assistants(?) |
| George Takei | Excuse me?! | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Are you serious George? I know we said we'd work outside the loop, but this is a little ridiculous. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Where are you? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
On the phone, where are you? |
| Chief Vick | My water just broke | |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Are you sure? |
| Chief Vick | No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason | |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Oh. No... Oh, can you move my briefcase? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This place is trashed |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Captain Conners, how are you sir? |
| Conners | Look at you fellas, all grown up. How long's it been? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
About a day |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Less, actually |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Simba I am your father. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Mufasa never said that. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Mufasa, Vader, it's all James Earl Jones. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
There is something I've got to get off my chest |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Is it your shirt? Please say no. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I've been having this reoccurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of coco. His name is Clem. But.. YOUR dream was pretty interesting too. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Something wrong? |
| Jessica | They've been in there forty-five minutes. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
So? |
| Jessica | It's a four minute show. (The audience and Shawn exit the planetarium) | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why time travel is not only possible, but may have already happened. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
I had no idea you were so serious about bowling |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Oh my god, that's great |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
He says it's always the single guys trying to keep up on their tans. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Single guys? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Yea |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Maybe that's it. Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon. Question is, what kind of loser thinks getting a tan is gonna help him score a woman? (Henry walks out in a robe) |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Dad? |
| Henry Spencer |
|
(to Young Shawn) For now, I'm going to leave you with one very simple rule. Under no circumstances, ever, ever, do you mention to a woman her age or her weight. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(to his father) Okay what are you doing? You're putting a negative spin on things, as usual. Look might they have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold blooded killer, sure! What if they really fall in love dad? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Hey, Lassie, that really wasn't much of a put down. In fact, it was somewhat inspiring. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(to Gus) Counsellor! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Yes? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Will you please retire with me to the hallway where we can exchange words in hushed tones? |
| Judge Leland | You didn't think there was any way you could be blamed, because clouds don't kill people, people kill people. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Just sixth grade law your honor, but it was an accelerated course. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Hornstock, I think you have the potential to be a fantastic lawyer. You just need confidence. After all that is your name on the door. Now come on! |
| Hornstock | Oh no, no, no. None of those Hornstock's are me. The first one is my grandfather he founded the firm. The middle one my father then my brother. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
A whole family of lawyers |
| Hornstock | Yeah, even my sister. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Well there you go she didn't make the door |
| Hornstock | She's Biederman it's her married name |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I do watch the news and I’ve been following this case. They have a mountain of evidence against this lady. Look, they call her the school marm murderer. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
First of all there’s a question mark at the end of that. They call her “The school marm murderer? Even the news people aren’t convinced. And, today at the courthouse, in the middle of a conversation, I saw her bend over and pick up a piece of trash. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Oh, I see, so because she picked up somebody’s kit-kat wrapper, it means she didn’t kill anybody.(rolls eyes) That makes sense. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(talking to Lassiter) Please tell me you're not one of those courtroom groupies that bounces from trial to trial....wait a second, was that you at the Michael Jackson hearing with the sequined glove and the shirt that said "Free the man in the mirror." |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You didn't think there was any way you could be blamed, because clouds don't kill people, people kill people. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Can we se those? (Hornstocks's case files) |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh yes (laughing) and maybe later on we can read the phone book... just for fun. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Look, without protection, you might as well just send the killer an invitation saying, "Hey, come on back, finish the job!" I wonder if they make invitations for that. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
I don't see why not. You can send an e-vite for anything. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This is true. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Ew. How Grody of her. |
| Tennis Player | Grody? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Grody to the max. Grody with a spoon. Work with me here, I don't know what the kids are saying these days. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Wait a second! This is my 'Airwolf' windbreaker! I've been looking for this for like five years now. Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on. Gus, nobody had an 'Airwolf' jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Right, I'd never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
She wasn't lying Shawn. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, I saw her at Starbucks. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You can't be sure of that. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
She was wearing a name tag, she had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding, and lying about hiding. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detectives do. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Sweet. Just let us know when they get here. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Shawn, I can't just give you a case because Gus is out of town this weekend and you're lonely. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Fine, maybe together we can figure out how I can be less lonely. Wait, I'm getting something... baby oil (Juliet walks away) |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You have a Dad crush on me. Let's hug it out. Come on, give me a hug. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
But my arms are slenderer… slenderer? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
What? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Slenderer? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Skinnier? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yes! |
| Henry | What about your licence? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
My pilot's license? Out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you’re referring to my licence to kill. Revoked. Problems at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you which I can't do because my licence to kill has been revoked. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Look, here's some brutal truth. We're the reasons you're not in jail, or worse. Your Dad's done. It took someone cashing in a very old favor to get us involved at all, and you're not going to be able to play your way out of this hole, baby boy. So pack it in, pull the plug, shut it down, leave the dead meat in the freezer and put on your Sunday best cause it's Arbor Day Baby! |
| Henry | Well, well...don't you look like Hell. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I know I look like Hell, Dad. Everyone who gets up at this hour looks like Hell, with the possible exception of Matt Lauer and Diane Lane. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
I need a psychic to read the sorority house. Can you come by tonight? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Can we wear pajamas? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
No |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Even better! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Wanna share a pineapple? |
| Alice | I'm sorry, do I know you? | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
My name is Ichabod Fletchman, Sticky-Icky to my boys. But that's neither here, nor there. |
| Chief Vick | I can sit here all night, Betty. I've got a six month old who still has colic. I consider this a reprieve. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, what's the word? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Uhh, that would be Mum |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I can't believe this |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
We actually started an urban legend! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
That's dope! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This is just another knock off of the other knock off of the original knock off of that other show |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn, we're in a hallway. Staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I'm going to disagree. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Why did we get TiVo if we never fast forward and I can't stop for commentary? |
| Nigel | I feel like I've been incarcerated in a blueberry. | |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn! |
| Nigel | This car makes me want to weep and then die. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Well I did go to cheerleader camp, for 2 weeks. I got kicked out. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Kicked out? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
It's a long story. Suffice to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You got a plan yet? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, I'm a lyrical gangster. I'll use some colorful vernacular and if necessary will engage in fisticuffs. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
What about detective Lassiter? |
| Nigel | Absolutely not. His hair looks like it was poured out of a cake mold. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
The short answer is, we just haven't really needed any outside help. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Well, what's the long answer. I mean, throw a but in there, and add something about a dream where you and I got thrown out of a mattress showroom. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Didn't you see the 'Trespassers will be shot' sign? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Look at that, it totally said that. My bad. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Spencer. Long time no see, or is it, no need? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You almost closed down our agency with that little act of yours, Shawn. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Me? You're the one spending all your extra time at your little side project |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You mean my real job? Soon to be my only job? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You sicken me. I'm sickened. I mean sure, I'm still wildly attracted to you in a physical way. Spiritually, psychically, you're dead to me. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn, I think we're not welcome here. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus don't be a paranoid schizophrenic, we're always welcome here. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
No |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(looks around at everyone and sees they won't make eye contact) Oh my God, we're not welcome. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You give a bad name to psychics like me who pride themselves on the purity of that gift. There are so many people out there who already doubt what we do. Now you've given them all a reason to think that we're fakes. |
| Chief Vick | Mr Spencer. This is Special Agent Ewing from the treasury department in Washington. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yes. We sniffed one another in the hallway. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Dad I'm confused, these are plans for a wet bar. |
| Henry | Yeah, that's right, for entertaining. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Right, but I don't see anywhere in the plans, the portal into 1976. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh just one more thing. You might want to check the cash from the dealership cause it's not all counterfeit. |
| Agent Ewing | That's ridiculous. If I had learned to laugh as a child I would right now. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I visited Wally...in prison. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You went to the pen? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I went to the joint. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You went to the clink? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
Carlton! I finished the powerpoint slides for your 21LES presentation. |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Oh you're right, Helvetica IS a much better font. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
I know! See how the M in "Double Murder Suicide" just jumps off the page? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
What are we looking for anyway? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Anything that points to criminal activity. You know, a white cloth sack with a green dollar sign. A red barrel labeled TNT. An anvil! Anything. |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
(to Shawn) Good news, we've matched the serial numbers. Bad news is that they're legal. And even worst news is that Lassiter wants to know what size vest you wear. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
A warehouse, sweet! There's always something happening at a warehouse. You staked it out, right? I know you staked it out. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Oh, it got staked... Stook? Staken? Staked? Right? Right. Yeah. Yeah, it got staked. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Lassie... your childhood must have been pure hell. The good news... I'm available for hugs. (Lassiter walks away) Jules, how 'bout it? (Juliet leaves) Buddy, it's been a while. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
(sarcastically) Please. |
| Henry | Wow! I've never been in the jockey's club before. Thanks for getting me these tickets, Shawn. Good thing we wore our lucky shirts. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yeah, well, I hope some guy doesn't look at me and have a seizure. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Everybody stop! Let's acknowledge that the chief is wearing leopard print... and continue. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Jimmy Nichols called us. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Jimmy Nichols called us? From where? Prison? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I don't think so. It didn't sound like it. What does prison sound like? Is there singing? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
He's not going to kill us...right? I mean, people change. We haven't seen him since the 5th grade. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
I don't need to see him Shawn! Some people are just born evil. The kid from The Omen, the Children of the Corn, Chad Michael Murray. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(Shawn is reading a horse) He doesn't like the oats, or the alfalfa pellets. They're too chewy for pellets. Pellets are supposed to be crunchy, they should have a natural crunch to them. (reads again) Also, the donkey in stable 11 is a pathological liar. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, wait up. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Shawn? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Finally. You know, I went to two comic book stores and three women's volleyball games looking for you. Luckily, your phone has GPS. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You tracked me? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Yes, I did. With a little help from my friends at your wireless service provider. By the way, they might be calling. They think you're a fugitive from justice. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
A chance to go undercover in high school, ala 21 Jump Street. Obviously I'm Johnny Depp. Sadly you can only pass for Holly Robinson. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Why can't I be Richard Grieco? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Why would you want to be Richard Grieco? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
SXY. Apparently our perp is so sexy, he felt the need to die-cast it onto steel and wear it on his lapel. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
That's not an S, that's the integral sign in calculus for the area of the curve XY. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Look at this class. You're all a bunch of dudes! |
| Student | Umm, we're girls. | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
That's awkward... |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I can sense you're lying! The spirits tell me your little pants are on fire. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Clearly, we have to get inside. What's our cover gonna be? Wait, I've got it. (pointing to Gus) You're the preppy jerk who's dating the girl I'm in love with. I'm the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Let it go, Shawn. You can't pass for a teenager. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
None of these nannies will talk to me. Even the kids are avoiding me. Tell me the truth. Do I smell weird? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Nah, just the usual. Jerk chicken and new car smell. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Dude, I'm pretty sure this is the boat from Dead Calm. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Great, now we have to worry about Billy Zane too. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
(On the phone with his dad, who is trying to guess what Shawn got him.) Dad... no it is not an engraved set of rubber bullets. Why would I possibly give you another excuse to shoot a gun... Well you better keep thinking. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Whoa! I'm sensing something! |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
What is it Shawn? Is it like the other 26 1/2 crimes we've solved for the police department? |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Listen I don't know if I can control myself around her, so you have to promise that you'll stop me from sucked into Hurricane Mira again. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Just call me the SuckStopper, scratch that don't, don't ever call me that. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
You already wrote my eulogy? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I don't remember that. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
"Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and 12 cats"! |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
This Pinot-... |
| Henry Spencer |
|
Bordeaux |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Look Dad, I didn't even know Wal-Mart had a wine cellar. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You really wanna know my process? |
| Carlton Lassiter |
|
Absolutely. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Usually starts with a holla! and ends with a creamsicle. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
And then if there's time in between - Thundercats, ho-o! |
| Jason | You destroyed me - Iago! | |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
What does the parrot from Aladdin have to do with this? |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
Gus, don't be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan. |
| Burton "Gus" Guster |
|
Azkaban. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
I've heard it both ways. |
| Ewan O'Hara |
|
Honestly, man, from what my sis tells me, you..., you're the amazing one. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
You said that? |
| Juliet O'Hara |
|
I said you were prophetic. |
| Shawn Spencer |
|
What?! You're prophetic! |
