Conan

Guests

Ice-T

Breckin Meyer

Flogging Molly

Monologue Jokes

• Incredible energy for a Monday show. [Andy: Absolutely. I think too much energy.] That's a great message to the crowd. Shut up and settle down. [Andy: Shut up and sit down!]
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  Conan's Daughter?
  Occasionally, people in the crowd hold up signs. There's this one over here that I find particularly disturbing. "Conan, you are my father. Daddy?" [Conan points to a woman in the audience holding a sign.] No, don't. That's how people get in trouble. [As Arnold Schwarzenegger:] It's a bad idea. Don't sue me. [Andy: I'm so ashamed you would reject your duties. That poor girl.] Is this really the way to go about it? There are proper legal channels.
• We have a great show tonight. Since when have I ever said that? Every night, and I'm a liar.
• The big story seems to be Congressman Anthony Weiner. I love his name. It is such a perfect name. Today, he held a press conference where he admitted that he sent the nude photo of himself. During the press conference, a reporter asked him what he was thinking. Things got awkward when the congressman looked at his crotch and said, "Well, answer the man! You got us both in this mess!" I'm sorry. That's right. That's his penis talking. I'm sorry. Just trying to have some fun. [Andy: No, no. I've seen the picture. I think it has a deeper voice. It's more like this: Get off my back! Guys gotta do what a guys gotta do.] That's Ralph Cramden. I was channeling the voice of my own. [Audience awws.] Why'd you have to tell 'em that for. [Andy: You're going to her it on the ride home. "Why did you embarrass me? Those people didn't have to know."] You made us both look stupid. [Conan drives a car and talks to his penis.] I'm sorry! "You're sorry?" That was one joke that took 25 minutes. I feel my beard growing back. [Audience cheers. Conan calms them.]
• Congressman's Anthony Weiner's career has been in a lot of turmoil  since he Tweeted that picture of genetalia. Here's the good news. He will still be allowed to keep his porn name: Congressman Anthony Weiner. "Pretty good joke." Shut up.
• At this press conference, Congressman Weiner said that he has never met any of these women or had physical relations with any of them at any time. That's what he said. Which is why this afternoon, Newt Gingrich called him a pussy. Come on.
• There are other stories. Today, if you're History Buffs you know this. Today is the 67 anniversary of D-Day when Allied Troops landed on Normandy Beaches during World War II.  Or as Sarah Palin calls it: The Day the Nazis Fight the Vikings. This is my Palin. [Conan mimes a bird flying by and being shot by Sarah Palin with a shotgun.]
• Sarah Palin told Fox News yesterday that she was not wrong when she talked about Paul Revere riding out to warn the British. That's what she said. I'm not sure that her explanation was right. [A clip plays where Sarah Palin is edited to stutter during her explanation. It wanders to the Civil War and the Titanic.]
• What else is going on? It's being reported that there is a new temporary leader of al-Qaeda. [Audience boos.] I'm surprised they went with Ashton Kutcher.
  
• According a new survey, 8% of Americans have cheated on their wives during a business trip. Isn't that shocking? 8% of American men still have jobs.
• Crazy story. You probably saw this on the Internet. In Oregon, a woman awoke from dental surgery to find she had a British Accent. Doctors are calling it the first reported incident of a person with a British accent doing something about their teeth. [Conan dances around and pulls out his teeth.] I'll sweep your chimney, I will, I will.
• This is crazy, scientists at Yale taught monkeys to play a modified version of rock-paper-scissor. In fact it's worked out so well, the monkeys use it to figure out who gets to throw poo at the scientists. [Audience groans.] I don't love it either. Just filling out the top here folks. I didn't know it would be 40 minutes of improv on me. I should have know.
• Hey, the new X-Men Movie! [Audience cheers.] Apparently, I don't need a joke there. Good night, everybody! [Conan leaves and then returns.] The new X-Men movie had the lowest opening weekend gross of any of the X-Men movies. [Audience awws.] Producers have already announced one of the new mutants for the next X-Men movie: Sporadically Topless Girl.
• Last night, did anyone see the MTV Movie Awards last night? [Audience cheers.] People are raising their hands. You should just applaud. "Why doesn't he see me?" Last night at the MTV Movie Awards, Reese Witherspoon said that it is possible to make it in Hollywood without having a reality TV Show. Moments later she was killed and eaten by Khloe Kardashian. [Conan mimes cannibalism and scurries off camera.] I don't know why that's Khloe Kardashian.
• I can't believe this. There is an anti-circumcision comic book out now. [Conan points to his penis.] You stay out of this. "Let's not talk about it." There's an anti-circumcision comic book out now that features a superhero named Foreskin Man. And trust me, you don't want to see his cape. You really don't. [Audience applauds. Conan mimes a superhero landing and noticing his cape.]
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  Paul Revere's Ride
  I mentioned this before. Quiet. Sarah Palin has been getting a lot of flak for how she told the story of Paul Revere's ride. According to tradition, Paul Revere rode to tell the colonists that the British were coming. But thanks to Sarah Palin's new information, please enjoy this historically accurate, for the first time ever. [A man in colonial garb rides a horse and rings a bell while shouting nonsense about the British aand their Big Ben buildings.] I didn't hear a word of that. [Andy: Neither did I. I didn't know you had to put a quarter in Paul Revere's horse.]

Mayor of Duram, Nigeria

• How are we doing on time? [Conan looks to his producer.] "You gotta do what you gotta do." Well, folks, it's Monday again. [Audience member shouts confirmation of the day.] Yes, it's Monday. Thank you. The purpose of this show is to act as a calendar. "What day is it? I know, let's go sit in the Conan Audience. He'll mention it." [Conan mimes a man nodding along to the monologue when the date is mentioned.] Well, it's Monday, and that means that it is time once again for Fan Corrections. This is the segment where viewers try to find mistakes on our show. We have had many challengers but no winners. Tonight, a fan known only as DeaconGuy08 thinks he found a mistake. He says the mistake is built into the graphics for a regular segment of our show called Local News Roundup. [A YouTube clip plays of the fan talking about how Duram, North Carolina is spelled wrong.]  A couple of things, DeaconGuy08. First of all, you could have started your message in the room with the television. I don't start my monologue in the parking lot and gradually make my way out here. [Andy: Maybe he thinks he is some kind of Scorsese there.] It's like the Kitchen Scene in GoodFellas. Secondly, I am not wrong. You are wrong. That was not spelled wrong as this video will prove. [A clip plays where Conan gets a call from the mayor of Duram, Nigera. The mayor asks to have his city mentioned in the Local News Roundup system.] It's a good thing I have video of all my phone conversations. [Andy: I like how when you were done, you were like, now I can go back to my sitting.] I never said I was a busy man. Anyway, the challenge still stands. If you spot an error on our show, report it at teamcoco.com/hahaifoundanerror. Let's see if you have what it takes to make Chump Meat out of the Maestro.

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  Law and Order SUV
  From the new E! Series Ice-T Loves Coco and the drama Law and Order: SUV, rapper and actor Ice-T. Did I just say SUV? Give me that. [Conan takes the cue cards and points to the writing.] That can be taken both ways, right? Are you with me or are you with the cue card guy? [Audience cheers.] No, he's right. That's a V. I still want to see Law and Order SUV, though. [Andy: It would be cheap to produce if it all took place in the same car.] Plenty of room for these sippy drinks.