Conan

Guests

Will Ferrell

Paul Bettany

James Blunt

Monologue Jokes

Conan tries an Audience yarn beard.
[Conan walks out to cheers.] Look at all these beard signs. It's incredible. You know there are bigger stories in the news right now. Look at all these people. Get your priorities straight. Seriously. It's ridiculous. [Andy: I shaved before the show, and nobody threw me a parade.] Please take those off, you look ridiculous. Are you going to wear those the entire show. [Two Audience members wear red yarn beards. They offer one to Conan.] No, I've got one. I'm fine. Thank you. [Andy: That's a spare one, Conan.] Oh, it's a spare one. [Conan takes the beard and tries putting it on his face.] I don't know you, and I'm putting this on my face. A yarn beard. How does this work? [Andy: You're also hoping that they made that with yarn. -- Audience groans. Conan looks disgusted.] Hang onto this for later.
Let's get our priorities straight here, ladies and gentlemen. Shall we? Let's talk about what really is going on. Terrific news. The world's most wanted man, Osama bin Laden is dead. [Audience cheers.] Yes! Which means now the official number one threat to America is the KFC Double Down. Those. That's what's going to get us in the end.
This is an incredible story. Everybody thought that Osama bin Laden would be hiding in a cave for years. Well, President Obama, late last night, gave the order for bin Laden to be killed by Navy SEALs. When he heard about it, former President Bush was upset. He said, "Wait a minute. I could have used seals?" [Conan strokes his beard.] We thought of penguins, but we never thought of using seals. [Conan does a penguin walk.]
As I said, most people thought Osama bin Laden would be in a cave, but it turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a million dollar home with his youngest wife. Yeah. In other words, if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have taken care of him.
Now, according to the CIA -- yeah, just fascinating details on the news on TV. According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden was living in a house that had no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinkos. [Conan mimes Osama bin Laden nervously typing on a computer.]
bin Laden was found hiding in a compound with several people, including his personal assistant. Did you hear that? Apparently, bin Laden's last words were, "Cancel my 2 o'clock."
Now, everyone is weighing in on this. Former President Clinton is calling President Obama's decision to kill bin Laden "an incredibly profound moment." Meanwhile, Sarah Palin called it "the horrors of Muslim on Muslim crime." [Audience groans before clapping slowly.]
Now, this is weird. President Obama, today, appeared on Oprah, but the show was taped last week. They taped it last week. In fact, during the taping, you can see Oprah give Obama the order to get bin Laden. She did. [Conan points emphatically and salutes.] That woman gets things done.
You know it's inevitable. Celebrities get involved when a story is this big. [Andy: Yeah. We are. We're talking about it.] Not us. We're not celebrities. [Andy: Oh, we sure are.] Some people are saying that the first person to tweet about Osama bin Laden's death was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Yeah, apparently, the Special Forces said, "Hey, before we call the President, we should call The Rock." In the Constitution, it says you call the Rock, then the President, then the Vice President, then the Speaker of the House. They were wise men, our Founding Fathers.
I gotta mention this. The news of bin Laden's death interrupted last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Yeah. Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday? [Conan does his Trump impression. -- The band plays a song similar to the theme song on The Apprentice. Conan waves for them to stop.] I'm sorry, but that is sounding more and more like the transition music on Seinfeld. "We better get going Kramer!" [Conan mimes playing a bass.]
Andy tries an Audience yarn beard.
Now we got a very interesting show tonight, which we should really talk about. You know, everybody in the country is such a good mood with this news, but I think we have some news that will make you even happier. Right? Good. [Audience gives delayed applause.] I didn't give you time to answer because I didn't think you would have cared. The Kohler Company has just announced that they are making the world's most expensive toilet. Have you heard about this? I know it's not the world's biggest story in the new right now. [Andy laughs. -- Andy: I'm sorry.] You expected a transition? What do you want? This is the next piece of business we have. [Andy: I know, I know. I'm sorry.] It's bin Laden and then it's Kohler's most expensive toilet. [Andy: You said, "You're in such a good mood. Let's talk about the world's most expensive toilet."] You're supposed to help me cover that up, not point it out. [Andy: I know. I never said I was good at this. -- Conan takes out the yarn beard and tries to put it on.] I don't even know how this works, by the way. [Andy: I don't think you're supposed to wear it on your face.] You do it. [Conan hands the beard to Andy.] As punishment, you do it. [Andy: I really don't think you're supposed to wear this on your face. -- Andy successfully puts the beard on his face.] Very nice. There you go. [Andy: I have always been looking for a double chin sling. I have finally found it. -- Andy strokes the beard.] Where was I? [Andy: Let's see. Irish Setter, right? Yeah. Irish Setter.]
You know, I was talking about the Kohler Company's -- [Audience member cheers.] Shut up. The Kohler's Company's exciting announcement that they are now making the world's most expensive toilet. [Conan breaks down laughing.]We knew we had no transition here. The head writer's laughing at me. Well, I was wondering what made a toile the most expensive in the world, and then I say their ad. And it really blew me away. Take a look. [An ad [lays what demonstrates the features of the toilet including an espresso maker, a Blu-Ray player, a built-in humidor, a panini press, a camera that uploads to Facebook, a remote that has settings such as frappe, and a feature that wraps your waste into a gift box. It is called the fjartzenpiipi.] I liked it. [Andy: Yeah! Excellent.] We don't need a transition.
We have an interesting show this evening. The star of the new movie Everything Must Go, Will Ferrell is on the show. He's determined to shave my beard. And I think it is going to happen. [Andy: Oh, it's going to happen. -- The Audience boos.] Thanks a lot.