Conan

Guests

Javier Bardem

Rashida Jones

Steel Train

Monologue Jokes

• Did you all notice the date today? It's not sexy. Someone just went, "Yeah." It's not sexy at all. Today is January 11, 2011. That makes it 1-11-11. Something that happens once every 100 years. Yeah. When someone told Larry King, he said, "This again?" [Audience groans.] We can still do Larry King jokes, right? [Crowd applauds.] Thank you. Roughly a third of you.
• No, today is 1-11-11, and normally if you want to see 5 ones at the same time, you have to watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey. [Audience groans then cheers.] I don't know what just happened there. There was shock and horror and then a pause and then absolute delight. I don't know what hell that was. That was horrible what he just did, and I'm behind it 1,000%.
• Big College Football Championship last night. Did you watch that? Get this, in the Tostitos BCS Championship Game, Auburn defeated Oregon to win the championship trophy presented by Dr. Pepper. But the real winner was diabetes. We can all agree on that.
• American Idol producers say that when the show returns next week with two new celebrity judges, there are going to be   less put downs and more support of the contestants. [Audience groans.] In other words, this will be the last season. [Audience cheers.] That's the part of the show that everybody likes. [Andy: The heart of the show is getting everyone to sing well.] No. It's the humiliation. The humiliation on television. I've learned that's the way to go. That's way to do it, ya see, kids?
• MGM studios is in the news. They have announced that despite their financial trouble they will be releasing a new James Bond film next year. Yeah, in light of the economic troubles, it will be titled License to Kill and Sell Real Estate on the Side. [Conan mimes killing someone and then showing a house to prospective buyers.]
• A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city that has buildings on wheels that can be moved in and out of town as desired. True, yeah. This ingenious city of the future is known as a Trailer Park. What's with the Swedes all of a sudden?
• A man in Canada. I can't believe this, but it is true. He is suing a company because he claims a penis enlarger he bought from them doesn't work. He says the penis enlarger doesn't work and is suing them. The Penis Enlargement company is shocked and said they never had anyone testify to this in open court before. Will the man with the small penis rise? "It is I, your honor!" [Andy: I have a name, sir.] "I'm Stevie McSmallPenis, and I demand to be taken seriously.
• Big announcement. I don't know if we have  any Star Wars fans here. [Audience Cheers. Conan mimes swinging a lightsaber. An audience member air-duels Conan.] This guy is dueling with me. He's coming back at me with his lightsaber. Right there. God, this is getting sad. Cause he's better than me. [Andy: Some weird after school club broke out.] Anyway, big news for Star Wars fans. You, sir. What's your name? Whatever. Keith something. You're going to like this, Keith. Lucasfilm... did you hear this? You probably did. You're the one who told me. "Conan, you can't believe what happened?" Keith, where have you been? "Meet me in the park in ten minutes." Later. [Conan duels with his imaginary lightsaber.]
• 

   Ketchup Droid.
  Lucasfilm's releasing all 6 Star Wars movies on high-def Blu-Ray with deleted scenes that include some of the scene with Star Wars robots that never made the cut. And they're showing the footage now. Take a look. [A trailer for the Star Wars Blu-Ray releases plays with YouTube footage of a Ketchup Serving Robot edited into the trailer.]

 Last College Football Bowl.

• Of course, moving on. Like I said, last night was the College Football Championship between Oregon and Auburn. And of course, tonight he final college football bowl game aired on, I believe, ESPN 6. Sadly, it did not get the same amount of attention as the previous night's game. It was exciting none the less. [An empty stadium watches the Norton Anti-Virus Online University Bowl. The out of shape, loners from University of Phoenix and Kaplan University do not know how to play football. They are eventually chased from the stadium by security guards.]

 Gandalf Hopeful.

• 

   Frodo Hopeful.
  We have established that we have Star Wars fans here, or at least one. I don't know if we have and Hobbit fans here. [Audience cheers.] Try not to get that excited about it. Yesterday, it was announced that Sir Ian McKellen will reprise his role as Gandalf in The Hobbit. [A man dressed as a white wizard asks Conan if the news is certain. He hopes to play the role.] Yeah. That is what is being reported. It's been announced Ian McKellen will play Gandalf. [The wizard looks disappointed.] In other big news, Elijah Woods is going to come back and appear as Frodo. [An African-American man dressed as a Hobbit objects to the producers casting a "short, White Frodo."] That's right. Yeah. [The African-American Hobbit walks away sadly to lute and fife music.] All right, we got a great show tonight. [The wizard asks if Ian McKellen is definitely going to play Gandalf before also walking away sadly to lute and fife music.] That's the saddest music I've ever heard. That's how we should end our show every night. Well, folks, that's all we have for now, and then that music. [The sad music plays. Andy: Back to the Shire. Andy walks away from the set.] Andy, let's end the show with that tonight. Can we do that? Yeah, we can. We can do whatever we want. It's my show!

• I can't   help thinking about that Gandalf guy. I hope he's going to be okay. [The wizard announces a radio program like Ted "Golden Voice" Williams of YouTube and filler-news material fame.]