Scuba Wars 2 (2009)

Plot Summary

Scuba Wars 2 is the time-hopping, dimension-shattering, underwater-based sequel/prequel/sidequel to the box office annihilator Scuba Wars. Unlike the first, which was occasionally panned for not actually being underwater (the movie got its name from the Super Calibrated Ultra Barometric Avatars the characters used), Scuba Wars 2 takes place in various environments, most of them submerged in water.

The movie opens with a short film guest-directed by John Lasseter, in which Snuggles the Dolphin (Matt Lopez) and Kipper the Clam (Daniel Miesner, in drag) adventure about their underwater neighborhood. This short film is soon revealed to be the fever dream of grizzled Vietnam war veteran Donald Alexander (played with gut-wrenching brutality by Alex Navarro). He wakes up, and the movie begins in proper. Donald gets out of bed in his penthouse apartment, which is the uppermost part of the underwater Sea Hotel Nixon. He gazes out of the window and wonders what has become of his life. In a monologue that won the movie an Oscar for Best Monologue Delivered by Alex Navarro, he recaps the events of the first Scuba Wars, which were revealed to him when an African shaman mind-melded with him (Donald was never in the first Scuba Wars, due to the fact that the movie took place three hundred years before Donald was born). He wonders if peace has truly shone its gracious face upon Earf-10. His monologue is rudely interrupted by a black guy running in.

The black guy (known only as Black Guy in the credits, and played by Betty White) delivers the now-famous catchphrase, "AW SHIT! THE SCUBA WARS ARE ON!". He then succumbs to the massive bite wound on his neck. Donald recognizes what this means: The vampires are back. He burns the corpse of Black Guy to ensure that it never re-animates, and runs out the door. Donald grabs his G-900 Exploding Spear Gun from his robot butler and suits up into his scuba gear. Swimming to the main lobby of Sea Hotel Nixon, Donald witnesses the massacre of an entire class of Asian toddlers at the hands of the vampires. Swearing to avenge their deaths, Donald shoots the vampires with his exploding spears, eliminating them. He notices that one vampire is still holding on to his last breaths of after-life. Donald slaps him about a bit and asks, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?" The vampire flips him off. Donald punches the vampire in the head so hard that the head blows up. Donald knows that the vampires will have hacked the White House by now, which means that his secret identity will be compromised. He will have to go to the only man he can trust in the modern world. That man is RONALD MATTHEWS.

Donald Alexander rides his underwater skateboard to Ronald Matthews' house. Donald finds Ronald (played by multiple Golden Globe winner Matt Rorie) gutting a vampire with a bowie knife. Ronald mentions that if they are to defeat the underwater vampires, they will have to enter the DIGIVERSE, which is the vampire's super-secret techno-web that they used to hack Donald's identity. Fortunatley, the DIGIVERSE is manifested as a giant pool, so the theme of the film won't be sacrificed. But to enter the vampire's diabolical web of data, they'll have to talk to the only man to ever leave the DIGIVERSE alive: Cliff Leaper.

Donald and Ronald swim to the maximum security underwater prison that Cliff (played by Dave Snider) is held in.

Since no one has ever survived the Digiverse before or since, the government assumed that Cliff must have been a vampire spy. They held him in solitary isolation ever since. Donald and Ronald break into prison with relative ease, due to the fact that the barnacles have weakened the walls over the years. Cliff has grown a gnarly beard since the last movie, and is also a Highlander. They kill a bunch of vampires on the way out, because the vampires have taken over the prison or some such shit. Then, a montage set to "Working for the Weekend" plays while the group finds the rest of their team. Donald and Ronald re-unite with Abut Smacker (Ethan Lance), Dr. Cy Dewauck (Mike Horn), and Captain Clint Horis (Andy Mcurdy). Donald reminisces about their days back in 'Nam together, back when they were known as Scuba Team 6. Together, they ride to the entrance to the DIGIVERSE in Clint's Supra Sub 8600. On the way to the DIGIVERSE entrance, the re-formed Scuba Team 6 enagages in a massive battle against a massive vampirised whale. Abut rips the whale's eye out and shoves dynamite in the socket, blowing the whale up. It's pretty cool.

When the team arrives at the portal to the DIGIVERSE, Dr. Cy Dewauck reveals that he is actually a vampire spy! And he's been giving away the team's position to the vampires! And they've set a trap for them! Vampire torpedoes hammer the Supra Sub, crippling it. Captain Clint dies in the explosion. Donald, Ronald, Cliff, and Abut head for the escape pod, but Dr. Dewauck blocks the way. Cliff uses the beard powers he discovered in prison to trip up the evil Doctor. Then Ronald cuts his head off with an x-acto knife. The team escapes the sub just as it blows into pieces, rocketing the escape pod into the DIGIVERSE portal.

There, Donald explains the plan to his team: Detonate the portable nuke that he has been carrying in his pocket in the vampire DIGICORE, the source of the vampire's power and hacking ability. Scuba Team 6 swims through several legions of vampires to get to the core. When they get there, however, the vampire lord David Tubesteak appears. "None of you are making it out alive;" he claims. "I will detonate the nuke on top of the White House and take over Earf-10!" Donald and Ronald, in an act of desperation, swim towards the vampire lord in a fit of rage. Ronald duct-tapes the nuke to David while Donald injects him with vampire tranquilizer; enough to knock a herd of elephants out for 50 hours. Setting the nuke to go off in 10 minutes, the team makes their escape. They escape the DIGIVERSE just in time; as the nuke goes off and destroy the vampire's stronghold. Every vampire around the world immediately suffers Enlarged Megacolon and dies. Scuba Team 6 high-five, and go back to Ronald's house for a sweet party.

The President of Earf-10 meets them there, saying that he has something urgent to tell the team. The camera zooms in on his face as he utters the words, "Aqua-Stalin is BACK. Think you can handle it?" The team grabs guns off of the screen and loads them. The screen freezes, fades to black, and the credits roll, set to Kanye West's "Power".

Scuba Wars 2 went on to win all of the Oscars.