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| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? |
| Host | Seinfeld! Party of four! |
| Babu | You shut up! | |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Well I... |
| Babu | You make me change restaurant but nobody come. You say make Pakistani. Babu Bhatt make Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people! | |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Ya know, I think I'll just take the check. |
| Babu | You bad man. You very, very bad man. | |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
*Jerry thinks aloud* Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong? |
| Elaine Benes |
|
Maybe the Dingo ate your baby! |
| George Costanza |
|
These Pretzels are making me thirsty! |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. |
| Kramer | I hate Keith Hernandez. I hate him! | |
| Newman | I despise him. | |
| Elaine | Why? | |
| Newman | Why? I'll tell you why. | |
| Kramer | No, let me tell it. | |
| Kramer | No, you can't tell it. | |
| Newman | Ah, you can't tell it. | |
| Kramer | You always tell it. | |
| Newman | Aw, alright. Just tell it. | |
| Kramer | Ah atdatdatdat. Just tell it. |
| Elaine Benes |
|
[mind]who does this guy think he is? |
| Keith Hernandez | [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? |
| Kramer |
|
Do you have any conceivable reason for waking up in the morning? |
| George Costanza |
|
I like to get the daily news. |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
So we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing. |
| George Costanza |
|
Exactly. |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing." |
| George Costanza |
|
There ya go. |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
I think you may have something here. |
| George Costanza |
|
I'm sorry, the card says "Moops." |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Are you master of your domain? |
| George Costanza |
|
Not that there's anything wrong with that! |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable. |
| Kramer |
|
They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas! |
| George Costanza |
|
I was spotting those raccoons... |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
They were mailboxes you idiot, I didn't have the heart to tell you |
| Gwen | It's not you, it's me. | |
| George | You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented "It's not you it's me." Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me. | |
| Gwen | Alright. George, it's you. | |
| George | You are *damn* right it's me! |
| Kramer | Who wants to have some fun? | |
| Jerry | I do. | |
| George | I do! | |
| Kramer | Now, are you sayin' you wanna have fun or do you REALLY wanna have fun? | |
| Jerry | I really want to have fun. | |
| George | I'm just sayin I wanna have some fun. | |
| Kramer | Right now, there are 600 Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit 'em...into the ocean? Now, picture this...we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up, and...*swings imaginary golf club* ...that ball goes sailin' up into the sky, sits there for a minute and then...*makes the sound of a golf ball landing in water* |
| George | So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys...I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment...I was a marine biologist! | |
| Elaine | George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's unbelievable! | |
| George | I know, I was just telling them the story. | |
| Kramer | Well common' George, finish the story. | |
| George | The sea was angry that day, my friends... Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out, and suddenly...the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot! As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish. | |
| Jerry | Mammal. | |
| George | Whatever. | |
| Kramer | Well, what did you do next? | |
| George | From out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him! Face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction! | |
| Kramer | *stares in disbelief at what George shows the group* What, is that a Titleist? | |
| George | *nods* | |
| Kramer | ...A hole in one, huh? |
| George Costanza |
|
My name is George, I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents. |
| George Costanza |
|
When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. |
| The Soup Nazi | No soup for you! |
| Elaine Benes |
|
You're not spongeworthy |
| George Costanza |
|
I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men |
| Newman |
|
Sorry, I don't work in the rain |
| George Costanza |
|
But your a postman! Neither ran nor snow, its the first one! |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
She had man hands |
| George Costanza |
|
Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment, have you ever seen Elaine dance? |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
Elaine danced? |
| George Costanza |
|
It was more like a full body dry heave set to music |
| Reilly | Hey George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp. | |
| George | Yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you! | |
| Reilly | What's the difference? You're their best seller. | |
| George | Yeah, well I had sex with your wife! | |
| Other Board Member | His wife is in a coma. |
| Reilly | Hey George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp. | |
| George | Yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you! | |
| Reilly | What's the difference? You're their best seller. | |
| George | Yeah, well I had sex with your wife! | |
| Other Board Member | His wife is in a coma. |
| George | Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and "yada yada yada I'm really tired today." You don't think she'd yada yada sex? | |
| Elaine | I've yada yada'd sex. | |
| George | Really? | |
| Elaine | Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. | |
| George | But you yada yada'd over the best part! | |
| Elaine | Oh, I mentioned the bisque. |
| George | Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex. | |
| Elaine | (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex. | |
| George | Really? | |
| Elaine | Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. | |
| Jerry | But you yada yada'd over the best part. | |
| Elaine | No I mentioned the bisk. | |
| George | Well, I gotta do something. (Walks over to bathroom as Kramer enters) | |
| Kramar | I gotta do something. | |
| Jerry | George is already in there. |
| Jerry | I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes. | |
| Father Curtis | And this offends you as a Jewish person? | |
| Jerry | No, it offends me as a comedian. |
| Jerry | So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Guh. Those people. They can be so touchy. | |
| Kramer | Those people? Listen to yourself. | |
| Jerry | What? | |
| Kramer | You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream! | |
| Jerry | Whatley's from Jersey! | |
| Kramer | Yes, and now he's a full fledged American. | |
| Jerry | Kramer, he's just a dentist. | |
| Kramer | Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. | |
| Jerry | I am not an anti-dentite! | |
| Kramer | You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs, "Hey, denty!" Next thing ya know you're saying they should have their own schools! | |
| Jerry | They do have their own schools! |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
A donation in your name has been made to the Human fund, what is that? |
| George Costanza |
|
Made it up |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
The Human Fund: money for people |
| George Costanza |
|
What do you think? |
| Jerry Seinfeld |
|
it has a certain understated stupidity to it |
| Elaine | You were in the Army? For how long? | |
| Kramer | That's classified. |
Top Editors
-
eldestrisk
26 points
- VaultDweller 22 points
- mike20 19 points
- boocreepyfootdoctor 19 points
- ashogo 17 points
