Conan

Guests

Greg Kinnear

Steve Schirripa

Mo Mandel

Monologue Jokes

• I get a lot more points these days when I come out. People in the crowd just point. It's not a good thing for me. It feels like they're accusing me. Like they know what I did last Summer. [Andy: I think everyone knows what you did last Summer. -- Conan looks ashamed.] Why did you have to remind me about that? I was starting to feel good about things. You always drag me back down. [Andy: I had to do it.] You had to do it. It was laying right there. Why is our show suddenly in the 30s. [Andy: I don't know, boss. Why?] I'll tell you why, Richter. We've got a great show tonight. We'll have a good time. [Some Audience members clap.] Wow. Less than a third of you believed that. "I've seen the show. I don't believe that."
• A lot going on. President Obama. I want to talk about this. You know, he doesn't talk a lot about his social life, but now he's starting to tell us little tidbits about his life here and there. In an interview, President Obama said he prays every night before bed. Did you hear that? He prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported it: "Obama in Daily Talks with Allah."
• Earlier today, President Obama gave a speech on breaking our dependence on foreign oil. He says that one solution may be more nuclear power. Then Obama admitted he really doesn't  follow the news. Would be the time? Now is not the time to bring up that idea.
• Tiger Woods is trying to sell his $25 Million yacht called Privacy. [Audience laughs.] That's not the joke. That's the set up. Man, I wish it was that easy. Next story. Tiger Woods is planning to sell his $25 Million yacht privacy. He is planning on getting a much smaller yacht and naming it Alimony. [Audience claps. -- Conan bows.]
• This is a big science story. Got any big science fans here? [Audience cheers.] Someone said, "Go Science!" Go science? I was half kidding if there were any science fans here. "Go Science! It's what made the Universe." [Andy: Science would kick philosophies ass.] Any grammar fans here? No, I'm kidding. NASA is planning on shutting down its Mars Rover after an entire year of the probe not responding to calls from Earth. Yeah. In the probes defense, the majority of those were booty calls. "Stop calling."
• Today, a meeting was held to determine whether building a stadium in the middle of downtown Los Angeles would make traffic worse. The meeting lasted 9 seconds. Everyone left the meeting and sat in their cars for nine hours. Not bitter.
• There's a new website  where students can arrange hook-ups for casual sex. It's called Facebook. [Audience cheers.]
• This is a crazy story. A man in Washington state is suing the makers of Monster Energy Drinks after he found a dead mouse at the bottom of his can. Yeah. In their defense, Monster Energy has on  the can "Now with a crunchy protein boost" [Audience groans. -- Conan mimes pulling a dead mouse out of his mouth. It squeaks because it's still alive.] The mouse is still alive. Not worth it.
• Hey, a new study indicates that 93% of women feel their armpits are unattractive. The study was conducted by the Association of Men Who Have No Idea What Questions to Ask Women. No idea. No Idea. [Conan mimes pushing his glasses up his nose.
• In England, farmers have begun feeding their cattle healthier food because they need to reduce the amount of gas the cows are producing. Farmers also say they are going to stop falling for the old pull my hoof trick. [Conan mimes pulling on a hoof.] Is this making it better or worse? Better? Okay. [Andy: I really hope someone tuned in just after the punch line and saw you doing that. -- Conan resumes making the motion. -- Andy: I'm sticking around to see what happens on this show.]
• 

  Twin Babies Talking.
  Really cute viral video going around. A video of really cute twin, baby boys talking to each other. [Audience claps.] That's the twins up there. Yeah, it's great. Take a look. [A Youtube Clip plays of two babies speaking gibberish.] Anyway, I've hired a baby linguist to analyze what the babies are saying. It's amazing. I think he's cracked it. Take a look. [The clip plays again with subtitles. One of the babies talks about politics while the other speaks gibberish. At one point, one of the babies calls the refrigerator "Momma." The other baby calls that baby a moron.]

Andy Richter Testifies at the Barry Bonds Steroids Trial.

• Is anyone following the Barry Bonds steroids trial? It's in its second week. I'm not even pausing to find out if you want to know. Seriously, have you been following it. I want to know. No, the trial is in its second week, and there is supposed to be a surprise witness to testify on Barry Bonds' steroid abuse. He has been called by Barry Bonds' prosecutor. Here's some of the testimony. [Andy Richter appears in court room footage and testifies that he walked in on Barry Bonds in a dressing room. He testifies that Barry Bonds has no testicles. He says that Bonds' testicles are so small that they make Conan's appear like canteloupes.] Guy I work with, eh? [Andy: You had to have that sauna installed.] Did you really try to high five the judge.

• Big story in the news lately. The Egyptian Cobra that escaped from the zoo last week. They had an Egyptian Cobra at the Bronx Zoo, and it escaped. People are upset that they have still not found the cobra. Well, I'm here to put your minds at ease because I know where the cobra is. That's right. It's here tonight. He's sitting in with our band. Say hello to the Escaped Egyptian Cobra. [The Cobra wears sunglasses and sits at the keyboards.] That's weird. Where's Scott? [Scott is dead on the floor.] Well, I hear he's good. Take it away, cobra! [The snake begins playing with its head and tail.] That's great, cobra, thanks. [Cobra starts playing "Chopsticks" on the piano.] Knock it off!

Egyptian Cobra Plays the Keyboards.