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| Cal | You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more. |
| David | You know how I know you're gay? | |
| Cal | How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are? |
| David | You know how I know you're gay? | |
| Cal | How? | |
| David | You like Coldplay. |
| Cal | I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in? | |
| Andy Stitzer | They did not laugh at me. | |
| David | Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia. | |
| Andy Stitzer | You guys cool it with the gay. |
| Andy Stitzer | Wow, this place is crowded. | |
| David | Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night. |
| David | You know how I know you're gay? | |
| Cal | How? | |
| David | Your dick tastes like shit. |
| Jay | All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches." |
| Boy at Health Clinic | Hey, do you have any extra large condoms? | |
| Dad at Health Clinic | Oh, Seth, please! You have a tiny penis... |
| David | You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one! |
| David | If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground. |
| Andy Stitzer | I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it. |
| Andy Stitzer | She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls. |
| Mooj | Everybody's dick looks big on 60-inch TV, my sister's dick looks big on TV. |
| Trish | What is this, your roofie, your date drug? | |
| Andy Stitzer | It's a Mentos. They're the Freshmaker. |
| David | Did you just flick me in the balls? | |
| Cal | No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be. |
| Andy Stitzer | Come on man! "Me so horny?" Me so STUPID! |
| Mooj | Everybody's dick looks big on a flatscreen. My sister's dick looks big on a flatscreen. |
| Andy Stitzer | Not cool man! | |
| David | Not cool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a box 'o porn! For the last time, I don't want to watch SCHOOL OF COCK with you! |
| Andy Stitzer | Do you like to "do it yourself?" | |
| Beth | Well you know, if the mood strikes... | |
| Andy Stitzer | How is the mood striking you now? |
| Andy Stitzer | I'm a virgin. I always have been. |
| Nicky | I'm starving. Let's get some fuckin' french toast! |
| David | You know how I know you're gay? | |
| Cal | How? | |
| David | You have a rainbow bumper sticker that says, "I love it when balls are in my face." | |
| Cal | That's gay? |
| Andy Stitzer | Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word is asshole and that's what you guys are. You know, I may not have had sex but I could... fuck you up... Yeah! |
| Beth | We could do it in the... Butt, if you want to. | |
| Andy Stitzer | But if I want what? | |
| Beth | You know... Butt. | |
| Andy Stitzer then Beth | But... What? |
| Trish | And what is this? | |
| Andy Stitzer | A vagina... |
| Cal | Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist. | |
| Andy Stitzer | What? You never told me that before. | |
| Cal | That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy. |
| Haziz | Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by. |
| Mooj | Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after fucking brunch! |
| Andy Stitzer | You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them! |
| Cal | I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk. |
| Cal | Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me | |
| Andy Stitzer | I'm a virgin. | |
| Cal | Sweet! I like that because you don't have... Chlamydia. And I know that. And that shit's everywhere! |
| Nicky | Andy, whatever you do, don't be named Dan! Because Dan rhymes with man and men jerk off. And he was a jerk off! |
| Andy | You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand | |
| David | What? |
| Andy | I need some poon! I need genital to genital connections! |
| Andy | I'm not a big ho-runner. | |
| David | My uncle used to drive a ho-runner. |
| Jill | You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch! | |
| Andy | Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition |
| Cal | "Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off. |
| Jay | He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys! |
| Andy | You should keep your ho on a leash. | |
| Jay | Whoa whoa, man can't be talking about my girl like that. | |
| Andy | Hey, hey, hey. Bitch is running wild, man! |
| David | Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy! |
| David | Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern. |
| Andy | Is this shirt too yellow? | |
| Cal | No... Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life? | |
| Andy | Come on, man... |
| Andy | She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls. |
| Trish | Do you have protection? | |
| Andy | I don't like guns. |
| Cal | You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant! |
| Cal | The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women. | |
| Andy | You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!" |
| Cal | You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy! | |
| Amy | I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay? He's practically stalking me. | |
| Cal | Well, I didn't know all that. So I'm sorry. |
| Jay | Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*! | |
| Andy | Ahh... Wow. So many stories are running through my head right now. [pauses] |
| Andy Stitzer | Coooooooock sucker mother fucker!! You shit head! Oh I hate you, I hate you! |
| Mooj | It's not about.. fucking and balls and pussy. It's about love, it's about people, it's about connection. | |
| Andy Stitzer | It's all about connections. | |
| Mooj | It's not about cocks and ass and tits... | |
| Andy Stitzer | Mmm | |
| Mooj | ...And butthole pleasures | |
| Andy Stitzer | It's not about butthole pleasures at all. | |
| Mooj | It's not about this rusty trombone and the.. dirty sanchez... | |
| Andy Stitzer | Please stop | |
| Mooj | And the cincinatti bowtie and the pussy juice cocktail and the.. the shit stained balls... | |
| Andy Stitzer | Mooj, just please stop |
| Andy Stitzer | Sweaty pie hole! |
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edit
Box Office
Domestic $109,449,237 Foreign +$67,929,408 - = total worldwide gross $177,378,645
- - a reported budget of $26,000,000
- = a 582.2% net profit of $151,378,645
- show in today's dollars »
-
By Rating 5/5 4/4 3/3 2/2 1/1 0/0 - edit Links Around the Web
-
In today's dollars
Domestic $109,449,237 Foreign +67,929,408 - = total worldwide gross $177,378,645
- - a reported budget of $26,000,000
- = a 582.2% net profit of $151,378,645
