Oh, I’m so glad I get to say this again! Lemme just milk it for one second...
Hello, folks! My name is Callum Petch and welcome to The Month In Movies UK! For those not in the know, this is the feature where we run down the month’s upcoming releases and then just go, “F*ck this!” and give Joss Whedon all of our money. The movies are selected based on the Film Distributors Association’s release schedule.
Yep, April is Whedon’s month with two awesome looking films with his direct involvement hitting theatres nationwide. But, before we can get to that, we have the rest of the month to navigate. A month that includes the first of two (two) modern day interpretations of the Snow White mythos coming this year, a blockbuster based on a f*cking board game, sadly no The Raid (that’s not due til next month, I’m afraid) and a film with quite possibly the best title for a film you’ll hear all year. So, without further ado, HIT IT!
Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.
The Month In Movies UK: April 2012
Mirror Mirror (2nd April)
Director: Tarsem Singh
Starring: Julia Roberts, Lily Collins, Armie Hammer
And of course the first movie I have to look at is this thing. Yep, it’s good to be back (!) Right, if you haven’t seen the trailer for this yet, I strongly recommend that you don’t, because it’s trash. Utter, unfunny trash. It’s not even offensively awful, it’s just bad. Armie Hammer, what the hell are you doing with your career? You were in The Social Network for chrissakes! Twice! You’re better than this! Oh, and Sean Bean’s in this movie. What are the odds of him making it through to the end alive?
The Cold Light Of Day (6th April)
Director: Mabrouk El Mechri
Starring: Henry Cavill, Sigourney Weaver, Bruce Willis
Hang on a sec... Sub-par thriller premise...? A cast full of “stars”...? Offensively average trailer...? Rubbish title...? Folks, I think we may have found 2012’s Man On A Ledge! ... What’s that? ... “Man On A Ledge was released in February of this year”? Well, sh*t.
Headhunters (6th April)
Director: Morten Tyldum
Starring: Askel Hennie, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Synnove Macody Lund
Now this is more like it! Jaime Lannister takes time out from his busy schedule of being a prisoner of the Starks to hunt, and attempt to kill, Askel Hennie for trying to steal his priceless painting in order to pay off his debts. It’s an offbeat looking, dark Norwegian comedy thriller that, strangely, is getting a very wide release. Not that that’s a bad thing mind you; it looks aces so see it whilst you can! No, really, load up the trailer and then go see this movie. It really does look aces.
Titanic 3D (6th April)
Director: You seriously need me to tell you who made this movie?
Starring: Seriously?
Boy, that James Cameron sure loves his money, doesn’t he? By the way, can I turn into a hipster douchebag for a second and proclaim that I hated this movie long before it was cool to hate this movie? Cos I totally did. Lastly, they are totally marketing this as “From the people who brought you Avatar”. No, really. That’d be like George Lucas advertising his next 3D Star Wars movie with “From the man who brought you American Graffiti” or something along those lines.
Battleship (10th April)
Director: Peter Berg
Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, Liam Neeson, f*cking Rhianna!
Speaking of ridiculous marketing lines... “From HASBRO, the company that brought you Transformers”. Seriously?! And what the hell does this have to do with Battleship anyway?!! You could have titled it, “Giant Sh*tty Special Effects Invade The Earth & Blow Stuff Up With Special Guest Star Rhianna: The Movie” and it wouldn’t have made any difference! And, sweet Maker, do those Special Effects look awful! Mass Effect’s in-game cutscenes look better than this! And what the hell are Liam Neeson and Eric from True Blood doing in this thing, I mean seriously! Just... (Speech turns into incomprehensible shouting and gibbering. Also some poo is thrown)
The Cabin In The Woods (13th April)
Director: Drew Goddard
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz, Amy Acker
The big hit at South By Southwest, Butt-Num-Athon and basically anywhere that can drum up insane amounts of positive internet buzz, Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard’s horror comedy FINALLY gets a release after sitting on the shelf for TWO YEARS due to that whole business with MGM. “5 teens go to a remote cabin in the woods. Bad things happen.” That’s all you need to know. The fun of this flick, apparently, is finding out just what the hell is going on and I fear that trailer may have spoiled slightly too much. But, nevertheless, I am totally pumped and seeing this opening weekend. I’ve waited two years for this movie; I’m not waiting a second more!
Gone (20th April)
Director: Heitor Dhalia
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer Carpenter, Wes Bentley
This... er... This doesn’t look good at all. In fact, it looks positively awful, I mean, “I’ll sleep when he’s dead”? What are you; a serious and gritty thriller or a f*cking Steven Seagal movie? Although I would watch a Steven Seagal like movie where Amanda Seyfried was a Steven Seagal like character! In fact, I think that could be box-office gold! Hang on; I need to make a quick phone call to Hollywood!
Lockout (20th April)
Directors: James Mather, Stephen St. Mather
Starring: Guy Pierce, Maggie Grace, Peter Stormare
So what you’re basically pitching to me is a cross between The Rock and Escape From New York with a bit of Batman: Arkham Asylum thrown in... but in space? And it’s completely ridiculous but being played completely straight? And they genuinely say things like, “He’s the best, but he’s a loose cannon”? And Luc Besson is one of the people responsible for it? F*ck common sense, I’m in! I need to see this movie in the same way I needed to see Crank 2! This looks awesome!
Salmon Fishing In The Yemen (20th April)
Director: Lasse Hallstrom
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt, Kristen Scott Thomas
The director of Chocolat and The Cider House Rules brings us a film about interspecies relations on the surface of Mars and it looks... nice. That’s really all I can say it’s... nice. There’s nothing more substantial to my thoughts it just looks... nice. ... nice.
The Avengers [or “Avengers Assemble” if you’re stupid] (26th April)
Director: Joss Whedon
Starring: (deep breath) Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston, Scarlett Johansson, Cobie Smulders, Clark Gregg, Samuel L. Jackson (exhales)
DAY 1, MOTHERF*CKERS! DAY! F*CKING! ONE!!!! That is all.
Co-incidentally, the following films are all released on the 27th of April and all of them are in limited release.
African Cats (27th April)
Directors: Keith Scholey, Alastair Fothergill
D’AWW!! LOOK AT DA KUTE WITTLE KITTIES!!!
Albert Nobbs (27th April)
Director: Rodrigo Garcia
Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Aaron Johnson, Glenn Close
Ever wanted to see a deadly serious reverse gender version of Mrs. Doubtfire? No? Well here’s one anyway and... Oh, Maker, the trailer! It’s... It’s... I’m drowning. It’s drowning me! The sentimentality is drowning me! I’M DROWNING! HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!
Being Elmo (27th April)
Director: Constance Marks
Last year’s favourite festival documentary about the man who played Elmo finally gets a UK release and why are you not already booking your tickets? I really hope it does well, though I have a feeling that it’s only going to open on like 5 screens and then disappear forever. Shame, because the trailer (the frakin’ trailer) has already hit my heart precisely where it hurts.
Damsels In Distress (27th April)
Director: Whit Stillman
Starring: Carrie MacLemore, Aubrey Plaza, Greta Gerwig, Adam Brody
Whit Stillman returns from an 18 year hiatus to bring us this comedy about girls at a co-ed college trying to stop everyone from feeling so sh*tty about themselves. By tap-dancing, obviously. It’s so quirky and indie you can practically feel it trying too hard but, strangely, it looks alright. I mean, it shouldn’t look “alright”. It has no right to look “alright” especially with how pretentious it seems, but it seems “alright”. Maybe give it a shot if you’re into that sort of thing.
Strippers vs. Werewolves (27th April)
Director: Jonathon Sothcott
Starring: Adele Silva, Robert Englund, Billy Murray (a.k.a. Captain Price from Call of Duty)
This is a real film. I am not joking. A stripper accidentally kills a werewolf whilst giving it a lap dance and the pack’s leader, CAPTAIN F*CKING PRICE, wants vengeance. Also, Robert Englund is here. No, I don’t know why. The trailer for this is awful. It’s looks both too cheap to live up to its premise and too expensive to have that shoddy B-movie quality to it that makes it endearing. It’s also way too fanservice-y to take seriously but, at the same, it’s not fanservice-y enough for a film about strippers fighting werewolves. And, yet... Ah, who am I kidding, I don’t wanna watch this! However, for your pleasure (or displeasure, just wait until you’ve watched it), I’m embedding the trailer for the film at the very end of the article for you to help you make up your own minds. Because I’m nice like that!
And that’s April in movies! A bit sparse in wide releases; but when you’re up against Battleship, The Avengers and the continuing onslaught of The Hunger Games, can you really blame Hollywood? What are you looking forward to go see? Hit the comments below and voice your opinions! For more sporadic updates (as I try and get back to normal) about movies and such, why not follow me?
And, now, as promised, here is the trailer for Strippers vs. Werewolves.
Callum Petch is hungry like the wolf.
