Shocking though it may seem, but it turns out that people wanted to see The Avengers. Make that, a lot of people. Make that, £15 million worth of people. Yes, Disney and Marvel have recorded one of the biggest opening weekends in the UK of all time! Unfortunately, that’s with previews included. Strip those out, £2.5 million of those to be exact, and the overall figure drops to £13.2 million, about the same as last year’s The Inbetweeners Movie. This means that, no, over three days The Avengers did not beat Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1’s opening. And that’s with 3D included. In celebration of this wonderful news, I’m going to punch myself in the d*ck repeatedly before I go to sleep tonight.
However, other movies stupidly decided to go against The Avengers and its £25,383 per screen average. And they lost. Horrifically. Not one other film opened in the Top 10 this week. Yes, they were all in limited release, but quite a few couldn’t even manage the £500 per screen average that our number 10 movie, Lockout, did. That’s just hilarious. The most prolific of the lot and, therefore, the biggest loser was Albert Nobbs which took £99,523 from 75 screens for thirteenth place. Proof positive that not even being nominated for awards will get you any money if you decide to go against The Avengers.
Next on our list of noble failures was Whit Stillman’s directorial return in the form of Damsels In Distress. This did way better, opening on only 19 screens and making £44,765 for a £2,356 per screen average and 17th. See! If you’re going to do a limited release, you need to do it right! Next up, and technically the biggest loser of them all, is Disney’s own African Cats. The documentary about African cats made £41,392 from 134 screens for a £309 per screen average and 18th place. And… You’re still stuck on that TV Tropes link, aren’t you? No! Don’t worry! I’ll wait!
Then we have the delightful documentary Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey. Unfortunately, no one was willing to bite and on 6 screens it made a measly £4,155 for 40th place and a £693 per screen average. That may be better than Lockout but still… Fortieth! But in better documentary news, Marley is still going strong. It only dropped 15% between weekends and held firm to eleventh place. Assuming it breaks into the top 10 some point soon, it could be this year’s Senna. And that’s something I can get behind!
Finally, and the clear winner of them all in terms of quality, we have Strippers vs. Werewolves. Sadly, nobody wanted to see strippers, Robert Englund and Captain Price in a sub-F-movie and from 2 screens it made £38 for 91st place. Let me repeat that. Strippers vs. Werewolves. 2 screens. £38. 91st place. I really don’t get why, because it’s clearly Film of the Year material.
So, here comes a full list very sadly devoid of any strippers or werewolves.
UK Box Office Results: 27th April 2012 – 29th April 2012
 | 1. The Avengers £13,224,634 / £15,778,074 / NEW I did, in fact, see this on Friday and I loved every single second of it. I didn’t review it, however, because I am too closely attached to the source material and, as such, my entire review would have just been "IT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!" I can, however, offer up some notes. 1] The final battle in Manhattan that takes up the last 40 minutes was absolutely incredible and it’s going to be super hard to find a better set piece this year. 2] I love how everybody got at least one huge awesome moment. Not everyone may have gotten a full plotline or an arc (least of all Hawkeye, but he has a plot related excuse), but they all did something super memorable. 3] Even though I’m currently running through the whole of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (and, as such, almost every day I am being exposed to Joss Whedon dialogue) and I just saw The Cabin In The Woods, it wasn’t until I watched this that I was truly reminded that nobody does dialogue better than Joss Whedon. Fact. 4] He does kill someone. It’s not as totally depressing as [FIREFLY RELATED DEATH REDACTED] because they go out like a badass, but it is still truly heart-breaking. And then they bring out [SYMBOLISTIC ITEMS REDACTED] and... Oh, Maker, here I go again! 5] Scarlett Johansson AND Cobie Smulders in catsuits for almost the whole movie? Looking better than they have ever been? Whedon, are you trying to get me arrested for public indecency?! 6] The theatre I was in was full. Completely and utterly full. And they loved every single second of it. That’s right, folks! Chav filled Scunthorpe loved The Avengers. Your Mileage May Vary on whether that’s a good thing. (Stop looking at TV Tropes!) 7] That post-credits reveal. Holy f*cking sh*t!!! And that’s most everything. You Americans are in for a real treat tomorrow, lemme tell ya! Right, onto the rest of the list! |
 | 2. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen £1,085,697 / £3,186,574 Strangely, this has only dropped 7% between weekends. Or, not strangely at all if you know that old people love their "nice" movies and you also remember how Best Exotic Marigold Hotel did about two months ago. This is going to hang around for a while. Brace yourselves. |
 | 3. The Hunger Games £744,079 / £22,484,112 What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? Callum Petch. How ya doin’? |
 | 4. The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists £663,775 / £14,908,506 This was unceremoniously dumped from VUE Scunthorpe on Tuesday night so I will not be getting to see it, unfortunately. Unless they bring it back for Kids AM, which I’d be OK with seeing because it was alright when I saw TinTin at that. Turns out that, if you give kids an exciting enough film, they’ll shut up and watch! Who knew? |
 | 5. The Cabin in the Woods £561,905 / £4,632,981 Currently up to $46 million worldwide and is the 13th highest grossing horror comedy of all time in America. Just one more weekend and it should, hopefully, beat Vampires Suck for the 12th spot (by the way, since when is Vampires Suck in the slightest way a horror comedy?). Please let it beat Vampires Suck. Please? |
 | 6. Battleship £501,283 / £7,130,300 A mammoth 61% drop this past weekend, proving that people were only watching this to kill time before The Avengers. I would do a happy dance but I’m furious about this news. Because, thanks to your refusal to just go and watch The Cabin In The Woods whilst waiting for your Avengers fix, this, or something like it, is probably one step closer to reality. I hate your guts! |
 | 7. Mirror, Mirror £437,356 / £6,627,586 Something I will admit, though, is that Snow White & The Huntsman looks tonnes better than this. That seems to have a voice and a unique tone (as well as interesting creature designs), whereas this is just basically a panto with a budget. I still don’t think that Snow White & The Huntsman will be anything better than average, but at least it looks better than "toe-curlingly terrible", which this is. |
 | 8. Titanic £366,749 / £10,774,824 And stay out! |
 | 9. 21 Jump Street £205,514 / £9,863,555 Really? It held on? Well, I, err, didn’t see that coming… I’ve... I’ve actually got nothing. At all. So... err... Let’s see, did I prepare anything for the next film? |
 | 10. Lockout £169,133 / £1,075,002 Nope, I’ve got nothing here either. So... Hey, I know! Let’s all watch the latest Prome... Oh, wait, I already did that in yesterday’s Month In Movies UK. It does look awesome though, right? So... Oh, have we all been watching Community on Tuesday nights at 10:30PM on Sony TV? I sure hope you have! Because if you haven’t, I’ll be very upset. |
Dropped Out: Gone
Callum Petch knows you should he so he guesses you might as well.
