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Reviews
- Moonrise Kingdom
- Review
- Wes Anderson Does What Wes Anderson Does
- Men in Black III
- Review
- Third time isn’t quite the charm for Agents K and J, but a time travel plot opens up some new possibilities for these otherwise tired jokes and characters, reminding us that aliens can still be fun.
- Sound of My Voice
- Review
- A time travel story with no time travel, Sound of My Voice is intimate science fiction with only one concern: constructing a smart, incredibly acted puzzle for viewers to lose themselves in.
- Battleship
- Review
- Watch a "Transformers" DVD instead
- Upcoming
- Podcast
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You did not "break up" with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Well, today we tried masturbating for money. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Ah gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won’t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray... |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again. |
| Mary Cooper | Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Luckily He blessed me with two other children who are as dumb as soup. |
| Mary Cooper | I tell you, I love that boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth? |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
So...fish? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
There wouldn't have been any ass kickings if that stupid death ray had worked. |
| Leslie Winkle | Just so we're clear, you understand that me hanging back to practice with you is a pretext for letting you know that I'm sexually available. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Of course I'm listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call? |
| Leslie Winkle | I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm the Doppler Effect! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American educational system. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Damn you, Walletnook.com. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although, as I’m saying this, it occurs to me that you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I don't know... but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny’s introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m relatively certain that I have no Corn Husking antibodies. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
While Mr. Kim, by virtue of youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Engineering: where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Ooompa-Loompas of science. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Yes, well, I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
One more thing. It’s on, bitch. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Dibs does not apply in a bidding war. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located at the intersection of the sets “no longer want my Time Machine” and “need 800 dollars”. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
They were not “friends”. They were imaginary colleagues. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
What twelve year old boy wants a motorized dirt bike? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously, I felt sympathy for the Leonard character. Now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I've got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research facility. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I drank milk that tasted funny. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Renaissance fairs are not about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls from Kinkos and lacing them up in a corset so tight the bosom pops out to say "howdy". |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Bosoms in the Fifteenth Century would not have said "howdy". At the very least, they would have said "Huzzah!" |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
I don't care what the bosoms say. I just want to be part of the conversation. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job at screening those people out. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato -- or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. Mud. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work... and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
These Hungarians -- they're just using you for dragon fodder. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I can't wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it'd be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I wanted a griffin... I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm clearly too evolved for driving. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Apparently I'm in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them.... I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I weep for the future of science. Now if you excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.... Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banalities -- Strike One. Touching my food -- Strike Two. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Every week they kick out a beautiful girl, leaving her feeling unwanted and with low self-esteem, a.k.a, the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you "heart" various things. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Oh, Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. |
| Penny |
|
No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Who's mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
See, you're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we've got McCoy. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Radiation burns -- a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.... In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "not a snowball's chance in a CAT scanner." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
So what? He was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting interpretation of the universe. He got lucky. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn... do either of you know how to open the toolbox? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand? |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Okay, is everyone clear on the plan? |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Yes. Koothrappali's gonna wet himself, I will throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine. |
| Penny |
|
I can't give up my acting classes, I'm a professional actress. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
You've had an acting job where you got paid? |
| Penny |
|
Ugh, that is not the definition of professional. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that. |
| Penny |
|
I've always been curious, what was Leonard like when he was little? |
| Leonard's Mom | Oh, I think you mean young, he's always been little. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful -- and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your brussels sprouts. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be 'problem solved'? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin -- now how about we try a bouffant?" |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No one calls me "Moonpie" but Mee-Maw. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you'll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Do you believe him? Normally around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he's M. Night Charmalarmalan. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Hi. I'm the small package good things come in. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I understand your envy. This is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the Non-Equilibrium Green's Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
I'm sorry guys, but secret agent laser obstacle lunch is just stupid. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation -- my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still. |
| Penny |
|
You know like in Star Trek when you are in battle and you raise the shields. Where the hell did that come from?! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it's not. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Listen to that! Stomp, stomp, stomp. It's Wolowitz and his stacked heels that fool no one. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I never met them. That's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the hall, there was no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats, just jumping around from drape to drape. Without that annoying ammonia-urine smell. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Hold on, you honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and in return, he only need buy us a pizza? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
First we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak, the old and the lame. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Don't wake her. She'll maul you like a rabid wolverine. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out his breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements, or his feelings about little marshmallows. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we're going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let's call it "Quonko Day" and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
I'm telling you, Leonard, blackjack, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid, $3.50 for a shrimp platter... Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest place on Earth. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Okay, I'm sleepy now, get out. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying one's sexual appetite -- assuming one is afflicted with such -- without emotional entanglement seems eminently practical. What I've observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That's preposterous! I do not resemble C-3PO. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Penny, I realize you're also on your own tonight so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They can replace them with new problems, like alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
For what it's worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Stuart, have you read the new Flash yet? |
| Stuart | No, I haven't. | |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You have to check your messages, Leonard. The leaving of a message is one half of a social construct, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You know, I have to say I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic return when it comes to space poop. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat my breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8:20. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Yes. How did we live before Twitter? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I want a cookie, Mee-Maw. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That's fourteen hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles. I know where I am, I know how fast I'm going, but I can't know both. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say "science." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh, ho, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I’ll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No, Mother, I cannot feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc propter loc….. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I can easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic Why Are You Hitting Yourself?. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I can’t be impossible – I exist! I believe what you meant to say is – ‘I give up, he’s improbable’. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Penny, while I subscribe to the Many Worlds Theory, which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my All-Time Enemies list, between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my childhood dreams. I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loves his mee-maw. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory as I’ve told you many times, most recently last year at lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan, "He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him. From Hell's heart I stab at thee!" |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
So my path to satisfaction is blocked by Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants? Very well, they must be destroyed! |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
When are you going to stop making Cylon toast? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
When I have enough to destroy every human toast in the battleship known as Galactica. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
If you’d like, after the game I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women that will do it for money? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. There’s pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, in fact every form of football, except the original, European football. Most believe it to be a commie plot. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-present danger. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
Brought you a little gift. New kite! |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
The kite you made me lose was an authentic patang, an Indian fighting kite that my brother sent me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello, Kitty! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You accidently stare at a helium-argon laser, lose one turn and a retina. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I’ve heard that before. Then the next thing you know, I’m hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my Mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my Dad’s meatloaf. And my Dad’s on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting. I might as well be back with my parents. "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t stop drinking I’d leave you!" "W’all I guess that makes you a liar cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here." "Stop yelling, you’re making Sheldon cry!" "I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him Sheldon." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on Yelp.com recently took down a muffin store. |
| Penny |
|
Sheldon, I'm scared and in a lot of pain. Could you take a break from being you for a minute and be... I don't know... comforting? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Now remember, you were given powerful pain medications and a muscle relaxer. So, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. And try not to choke on your own drool. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being a little aroused and ashamed. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Mister Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was a Science officer. And I guarantee you if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line, and if that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Why are you such a stupidhead? That is also rhetorical. Sorry you had to hear that. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I never admit defeat. However, on an unrelated topic, I’m never getting off this bed again. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Research Journal, Entry One. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career – teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Why are you crying? |
| Penny |
|
Because I'm stupid! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them? |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
What? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Bazinga! I don't care. |
| Penny |
|
Oh, no no. You see in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so that he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Perhaps there's hope for you after all. |
| Bernadette Rostenkowski |
|
You must forgive him, but most of what he says is intended to be humorous. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
I thought you liked my jokes. |
| Bernadette Rostenkowski |
|
Well, I laugh anyway because his face lights up when I laugh |
| Penny |
|
Howard, never let her go. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were two thousand people in this apartment right now, would be we celebrating? No! We’d be suffocating! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him. Right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas... what a buzz kill. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one man shuttlecraft, headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats, which, frankly, sounds like more fun than twelve hours of church with my mother followed by fruitcake. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Namaste, white people! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice. I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks. Probably playing Donkey Kong on my Classic Nintendo. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You know, the more I think about it, the Mobster Sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster. It was listed under Seafood. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Maybe they were mobsters who "slept with the fishes" |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Hello, I'm Sheldon, I will be your waiter. I don't recommend the salmon. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind: Toll booth attendant, Apple Store Genius and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word Genius – here I am. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas, squatteth the toad of truth. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Don’t be absurd, that’s in Washington. You know I can’t live in a city laid out in a hub and spoke pattern. |
| Penny |
|
Whatcha doing? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain. |
| Penny |
|
Interesting. Usually I just have coffee. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I’ve lived up to my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm, and I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundation for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of a contagious skin disease? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I have no illusions about my mother, She’s a kind, loving, religiously fanatical, right wing Texan, with a slightly out of scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I have a twin sister whose assaults begin in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her then I’d have a mole with hair on it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I’m the William Shatner of theoretical physics. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
If it will help speed things along my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot tests are: A – a bat. B – a bat. C – a bat. And D – my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You're ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, batmobile, and then giant ant. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Well, well, well. If it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spiderman. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
She's my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product, or a bowel regulating yogurt? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement, specifically Section Eight, 'Visitors', sub-section C, 'Females', Paragraph 4, 'Coitus'. Roommates shall give each other twelve hours' notice of impending coitus. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
The apartment flag is gold lion rampant on a field of azure. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with a classic "neener-neener"? Or just my normal look of haughty derision? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as "one." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resulting device be "bitchin'." |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening: prevening. Fairly certain it will catch on, as it fills a desperate need. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Is your womb available for rental? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this robotic arm will one day make unskilled food servers, such as yourself, obsolete. |
| Penny |
|
Really? They're going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger? |
| Penny |
|
Sheldon if you try to make a baby with Amy in a Petri dish, I'm going to tell your mother on you! |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
The robot hand got stuck on your what? |
| Penny |
|
Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake, and Leonard is lactose intolerant so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh dear...they really do be crazy. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
She is a girl, who is a friend, but she is not, forgive me for doing this, my "girlfriend". |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably make an actual Hulk. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
I'm brown and I talk funny! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No, Gorn, no. That's where I sit. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
And here is my Justice League membership card, but that doesn't prove I know Batman. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I don't like the Olive Garden...they treat me like family. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
But you love that spot. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
No, I love my mother, my feelings for my spot are much greater. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
Hi. I'm Leonard. You are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz e-lec-tric. I'm going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will nev-er for-get. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we would all have a merry Christmas. |
| Amy Farrah Fowler |
|
Oh. What is the circumference of your areola? |
| Amy Farrah Fowler |
|
Shame, 'cause I've got a real zinger about my tilted uterus. |
| Bernadette Rostenkowski |
|
I really love Howard's chest hair. |
| Penny |
|
Howard has chest hair? |
| Bernadette Rostenkowski |
|
No, just the one, but it's really long |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
You'll never guess what just happened. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You went out into the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, which you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled dolphins. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
No. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Aw. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Do you even think about other people, Leonard? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
As usual, you're all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor that gives Wolverine his prostate exam. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
How about the guy gets a prostate exam from Wolverine? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'd like to say I'm very happy that you're back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that definition, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Oh, frickity frack! Not this again! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Good grief. It's like talking to a dolphin. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It's illegal to spay a human being. |
| Penny |
|
Are you saying that Amy is... Oh, what's the scientific word... |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Forget science: she's horny. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Don't worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Ooh, Leonard is going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's ass! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
I'm not saying that all senior citizens that can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder. |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Last night I had a dream that we bought twin next-door mansions with all the money we made. But I discovered a secret tunnel that connected from my front yard to your backyard. Do you suppose that means anything? |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
It means when we play handball, I'm showering at home. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
We are only as strong as our weakest bladder. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger. |
| Howard Wolowitz |
|
What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie? |
| Amy Farrah Fowler |
|
Travel makes me constipated so I am the ideal hotel room-mate. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Good morning everyone and welcome to "Science and Society". I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD and ScD. OMG, right? |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
I know the feeling. It's like accidentally walking into a gay bar and then having no one hit on you. It happened to a friend of mine! |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with sex appeal. Like a labradoodle! |
| Rajesh Koothrappali |
|
Dance number aside, I'm so not gay. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going? The drive thru at Jack In The Box? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to put on a pair of latex gloves I'll let you check me for a hernia. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
There are a lot more rich old ladies out there and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Ah, memory impairment; the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
And what a civilisation is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat. |
| Amy Farrah Fowler |
|
You're like a sexy toddler. |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time? |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. |
| Leonard Hofstadter |
|
She finished top of her class Cambridge University and is licensed to practice law in three countries ... and your face! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
According to the Roommate Agreement, Paragraph 9, Subsection B: The right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure, and believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force! |
| Sheldon Cooper |
|
You may have gone to Cambridge but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy! |
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