Conan

Monologue Jokes

• [Conan rubs beards with an Audience member.] Good to see you, everyone. When two men rub beards in this county, it is time to sit down. As is custom. People are really worried about my beard. Let me bring you up to speed in case you don't know. All week long, Will Ferrell has been breaking into the broadcast of this show and threatening me. Yeah. He says he is going to shave my beard on May 2. Now people in the Audience are showing up with signs. It's getting out of hand. This is more or less what Will has been saying all week. [Clips play of Will Ferrell threatening to shave Conan's beard and call him a dick.] Now, tonight, I think we have everything under control. [Andy: Yes. Although, I have worked  with him. He is creepy.] We do that.
• There are more important things going on in the world besides my beard. Not that much more important. The President is here in town. In Los Angeles. Today, President Obama is in town for a fundraiser. Huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Yeah. Tomorrow, President Obama is going back to the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. There's little difference. [Conan mimes a person sitting in a car and not moving.] You get to move forward an inch. That's my drive home every night.
• First Lady Michelle Obama in the news. The First Lady, in an interview, said the most popular Obama is the family's Portuguese Water Terrier Beau. Donald Trump immediately said, "I want to see that Portuguese bitches' papers." [Conan does his Trump impression.] You're fired. [Conan bats his hair back and forth.] Now look what I've done. I'm going to get things back on track. [Conan's head writer talks to him.] What? Okay, here goes.
• A new Catholic translation of the Bible is coming out due to its current connotation. What's strange is that it replaces it with the word Badonkadonk. [Andy: The pirates love Badonkadonk.]
• Today, former New Jersey governor Gary Johnson officially announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Yeah, because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement. It's time to bring in Gary Johnson. His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson.
• A new report just came out. It shows that more US Schools are teaching students to speak Chinese. The new report shows that the first thing that schools are teaching to children in Chinese is "Is it cool if I cheat off of you?" [Audience cheers.]
• Anyone see this? It was crazy. A robot threw out the first pitch at the Philadelphia Phillies game. And it was booed! Philadelphia booed the robot. Afterwards, Phillies fans apologized and said, "Sorry, we thought it was a small child." Those guys are rough. [Conan does the robot.] "You have made me cry."
• Actually, I saw footage of the robot throwing out the first pitch. It did not go as expected. [A clip plays where a robot throws a pitch so hard that it ignites, travels through the Phillies' mascot, and causes the ballpark to collapse.] Terrible. Shocked not more of you saw that on the news.
• According to pictures on Twitter, Snooki is getting ready for bikini season. So, if you're at the beach, that's not an orange booty.
• I don't know if anyone is excited about this, but one of the big blockbuster films coming out this Spring is Thor. [Audience cheers.] Well, I mentioned this last night. The movie looks like it has tons of action and special effects, but I'm worried they cast the wrong guy to play Thor. I am. I talked about this last night. I'm going to talk about it again. [A trailer plays of Thor where Thor has a high pitched voice and whines a lot. "Stop it!" "I'm Thorrrrr!" -- Conan laughs at the stupidity of the trailer.] "Stop it. Just stop it." I would watch that movie. I would watch two hours of the movie. [Andy: I like "Kersmash!"] "I'm Thor!" I want to see that movie, don't you? [Audience cheers.] Let's see that movie!
• Now, I want to mention this. There's this clip on YouTube. It's become very popular. It's too cute not to share. It's a clip of a baby laughing hysterically as a dog jumps around and tries to eat bubbles. [A clip plays but is interrupted by Will Ferrell threatening to shave Conan's beard. He threatens to flush the beard down his toilet. He also does the Hannibal Lecter tongue slurp. -- The man who supports Conan's beard laughs and claps.] Wait a minute! Wait! You laughed at that. Then you clapped at the end! You got confused? "Yeah, yeah. I love Will Ferrell. I'll do whatever he says." We were brothers like 10 minutes ago. And suddenly you see your favorite star, and you lose your mind. This thing is going down. It's happening. It's scary. May 2.
• Okay, Easter just in a couple days. We are getting ready for the holidays here. And Andy, you have something to show, don't you? [Andy: Yes, I do, Conan. In honor of Easter, my podium tonight is made entirely of solid milk chocolate. -- Andy removes the foil wrapping on his podium to show the chocolate.] Yeah! [Andy removes all the foil to show the podium. He then breaks it and starts eating it. -- Andy: All right. To be fair, this week is also the Jewish feast of Passover. So, in order to even things up holiday-wise. I think we should, right now, please enjoy the world's largest world of Matzoh. -- A giant wall of Matzoh bread is wheeled out by rabbis. Conan rides a bicycle through the wall.]