Conan

Guests

Natalie Portman

Chris Pratt

Keyshia Cole

Monologue Jokes

• Big news in the world of media. I don't know if you've heard. After months of negotiations, the government has told media giant Comcast that it may purchase NBC. [Audience boos.] I just have one thing to say, "Comcast, keep your receipt." [Andy: I have problems with this. I bought it a few months ago. It's what you call a non-performer.] Maybe they were drunk. "I bought what? Awww..."
• There are bigger stories going on. [Andy: Oh, really?] Yeah, that was just big to me. [Conan makes a Woody Woodpecker Laugh.] Earlier tonight, President Obama held a State dinner for President of China Hu Jintao. Yes, the world leader with a funny name that grew up in Asia said he enjoyed meeting Jintao. [Audience applauds tepidly. Conan leans in for more laughter. Audience laughs.] I waiter you out on that one.
• Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is upset. He says he will not be attending tonight's dinner because he consider Hu Jintao a dictator. In response, Jintao said, "You'll be coming. You'll have the fish. And you'll like it! NOW!"
• Now this is a big story. Hu Jintao arrived yesterday, and his visit got off to a rocky start. There was this awkward moment at the airport. Hu, that's what I call him, realized that he was being greeted by Vice President Joe Biden. [President Hu walks down the steps from his plane, realizes he is shaking hands with Joe Biden, and backs back up the steps into the plane.] Walking up those steps backwards is harder than it looks. [Andy: I don't know if we'll ever be able to beat the Chinese at that. They're just so good at it.]
• I guess today the new Republican Controlled House voted to repeal the Health Care Bill. That's right. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole Women Voting business.
• Speaking of the House, yesterday, CNN's Wolf Blitzer sat down with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Did you watch this? [No one answers.] Good. That's why I'm here. Blitzer asked some tough questions, but Pelosi proved to be an even tougher interview subject. [An interview plays where Wolf Blitzer asks a question and is answered by a freeze frame of Pelosi in making an awkward face. -- Conan mimics the uncomfortable smile.] I don't know how she does that. Your eyes start to dry out after a while. [Andy: She's a Zen master.]
• Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news. [One person claps.] One person clapped and it was Arnold. "Let's hear it for me! Somebody? What's going on? [Gibberish]." There's a joke here somewhere. Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie where he plays a Nazi. [Audience laughs uncomfortably.] After being governor of California, Arnold says he's looking forward for a role where people hate him less. "That was a good joke. I did not know if that joke was going to be good, but it was pretty good. He really got me good with that. Good one, Conan."
• Hey, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, because I knew you were thinking about that. "But what about Berlusconi, Conan? Tell us of his adventures." Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi is caught in a scandal involving a 17-year old prostitute. Yeah, Berlusconi was outraged and said, "She told me she was a 16-year old prostitute. What the hell? You can't trust anyone anymore-a. Like a pizza pie. I-a catch-a them." [Conan makes Mussolini-like gestures.] That's my cultural view of the world.
• This is a strange story. A shortage of a popular brand of tampons   is creating a bidding war on eBay. Some bids are as high as $76. Yes, that's true. Now. I'm no expert, but if a woman is willing to pay $76 dollars for a tampon, let her have it! Let her have it! Don't get in the way of that one.
• Hey, in New Mexico. This is a weird story. Two third graders have been caught smoking marijuana. Third graders. Apparently, they smoke a lot of pot because both third graders are 19 years old. They're wearing shorts. [Conan tries to pull up his pants to make them shorts but fails.]
• In Australia, this is a true story, a couple were saved from drowning by using their inflatable sex doll as a raft. That's right. Afterwards, the husband turned to the wife and said, "And you wanted to leave her at home!' [Conan mimes the sex doll deflating.]
• The restaurant chain Long John Silver's for sale. The company is currently looking for a buyer that has never eaten at a Long John Silver's. You know who should buy Long John Silver's? Comcast. "We'll buy anything!" [Conan mimes a Comcast executive eating Long John Silver's food and gasping in disgust. -- Andy: Make it a new show and put it on the new network.]
• Starting in March, Playboy. [Audience member claps.] You don't even know what the joke is. Anyway, Playboy -- "What's that? Huh?" Starting in March, Playboy is going to be available on the iPad. Perfect for the guy who prefers to masturbate in a crowded coffee show. [Conan mimes pinching to zoom on pornographic images. He is shocked by others looking at him. The audience cheers uproarious.]
• I'm home a lot in my underwear watching TV. [Audience whoops.] No, really. It doesn't look good. There's a new product called the Snazzy Napper that's designed to help you sleep in public. This is a real commercial take a look. [A commerical for the Snazzy Napper plays. It is a cloth you tie to your head.] That is absolutely true. It is a real commercial. That's a real product. [Andy: I like how the people on either side of her don't care.] She prefers to nap. I saw that and was shocked that anyone would agree to make such a horrible product. Then I was even more shocked when I found out that this company has literally been designing sleep products for decades. They're even worse than the Snazzy Napper. This was their good idea. Check out these commercials I found. [A commercial plays for Sleep Paint. A woman paints her face with blue paint and falls asleep. Another commercial plays for Nap Gravel. The same woman buries her head in the gravel and naps. Another commercial plays for Slumber Sack and Dream Hammer. The same woman but with a 1980s hairstyle places a plastic bag over her head and hits herself in the face with a hammer. "Give Yourself a Fun-cussion."]

 Sleep Paint.

 Nap Gravel.

 Slumber Sack.