Conan

Guests

Marisa Tomei

Harland Williams

Fitz and the Tantrums

Monologue Jokes

• Thank you, everyone. [Audience chants, "Conan!" -- Conan starts doing a jig. -- Andy: The crowd knows how to disarm you.] If I'm every trying to rob a bank, just start chanting, "Conan!" [Conan does the jig again.] Drop the gun.
• Last Night, who watched the Academy Awards? [Audience cheers.] Did you guys like the show? [Audience remains silent.] Good God! That was stunning. It was all unanimous. "We did not, sir! We did not!" Yeah, that's the consensus. The show was on last night, and some critics are saying the show was too dull. That was one of the big criticisms. As a result, the Academy has already announced its hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Momar Khadafy. I will watch that show. Momar is going to change outfits nine times.
• Here's one of the big stories today. Several TV critics are claiming that James Franco was high while he was hosting the Oscars last night. They say he was high. Hey, look. If that's true, that means at least someone enjoyed the show. [Conan leans back and squints.] That's my Franco. He feels no pain. [Andy: That might be narcolepsy. It looks like you took a little nap, there.] His heart beats two beats a minute, his heart.
• Last night, the Academy Awards tries appealing to a younger demographic with hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco, but ratings are still down. Yeah. So, next year, the first presenter will be Natalie Portman's baby. It will   be four months at the time.
• One of the highlights during last night's Oscar presentation was 94-year old Kirk Douglas. 94 years old. [Audience applauds.] Yeah, of course, when the telecast began, he was only 89. [Audience laughs several seconds later.] Charlie She-- [Andy: It took them a while to do that math.] He's on his calculator app. Oh, yeah! Oh, sure. That's a lot of years for a show to be on. That's a lot of years.
• With all that's going on in the news today, Charlie Sheen is dominating the news. Charlie Sheen is everywhere. Charlie Sheen has been doing all these interviews and saying all these interesting things. He says that he made so much money for CBS that when he showed up for work they should have given him sandwiches, massages, and hand jobs. Which coincidentally is the name of my new mall store. "Hey, Sandwiches, Massages, and Hand Jobs. I think I'll go in there." To get a sandwich.
• Charlie Sheen's publicist resigned today. His publicist resigned. I don't know about you, but I'm glad we're finally able to see Charlie Sheen now that he can say whatever he wants. We've been listening to the clamped down Charlie. [Andy: The meticulously crafted version.] Yeah.
• Other celebrity news, Kirstie Allie is in the news. She is rumored to be joining the next season of Dancing with the Stars. She's also rumored to be joining the new History Channel show Ice Cream Truckers. [Conan mimes driving a truck, reaching into the back, and eating an ice cream.] That was me throwing the stick away. [Andy: I don't think it works that way, but I hope it does.] What? [Andy: I don't think you can just reach into the back of the truck.] I think there's a little window here. I think the ice cream trucker has to be able to check the inventory. And the Kirstie could just open up the little window and reach back and eat some ice cream. That's my concept of how it works. Okay. How dare you question me. [Andy: Sorry.]
• Due to a crackdown on prostitution on Craigslist, prostitutes are now advertising on Facebook. You can tell if it's a prostitute's profile on Facebook if she offers to friend you for 20 minutes.
• And then. And then. There really is no transition here, so I'll just say it. The last U.S. veteran of World War I -- [Audience laughs.] I'm sorry. There is no transition. I don't have time for transitions. I take a seven hour nap in the afternoon. These things take time. So, anyway, the prostitutes, but hey, the last US Veteran. The last U.S. Veteran of World War I has died at the age of 110. [Audience awws.] Can you believe that? Yeah, his last words were, "James Franco is high. That guy's high." He saluted, and then he was gone.
• Momar Khadafy. I'd like to talk about Momar Khadafy. That's what's crazy about our country. We have the Oscars and Charlie Sheen, but Libyan leader Momar Khadafy is defiantly holding on to power. He's been giving speeches, trying to rally supporters. He's been making these speeches that don't quite make sense. This most recent speech, I don't think did much for his credibility either. [A clip plays where Momar Khadafy wears a hat and compliments its merits. He recommends everyone buy it online. He declares death to Land's End and long life to L.L. Bean.] I can relate to getting that excited over a new hat. It comes in the mail, and it's really fantastic. It fits perfectly. I'm with Khadafy on that.
• On the Internet today. A lot of us get on the Internet. Look at things. I came across this training video for new chefs at the Olive Garden. They make a video for new chefs at the Olive Garden. Someone put this online. I thought it was pretty interesting. Here, take a look. [A clip plays where an Irish jig plays and a narrator with an Irish brogue speaks. "Olive Garden: About as Italian as I am."]
• 

  Ronnie Gelbers: Life Coche.
  Now, in case, the audience knows this, but for the people at home,   we shoot this show on the Warner Brothers lot. As of this morning, Warner Brothers lot has been in the news because Charlie Sheen has been banned from entering this lot. He cannot come on this lot where they shoot Two and a Half Men. However, someone really close to Charlie Sheen is still allowed into the studios. His name is Ronny Gelbers. He's Charlie Sheen's Life Coach. [ A messy, drunken man stumbles down the studio steps, handing out business cards. He hands one to Conan before leaving. He dances off stage.] He misspelled coach on life coach. Just take a look at that. It will take 20 minutes to pan in. [The camera eventually shows the business card reads, "Ronny Gelbers: Life Coche."] What was that? It was the dramatic ending to Citizen Kane. Take a look at this. Push in slowly. Not too fast! Slowly! Slowly reveal the misspelling of coach!

Harland Williams' Onion Bread Man.

Harland Williams Gives Marisa Tomei an Onion Bread Man.