Welcome back to another thrilling edition of The Month In Movies UK. This is the feature where we close out the year’s releases by snarkily dismissing them all in a regimented order. As per always, I’m selecting based on the Coming Soon section of IMDb.
Yes, it’s December and this means that we are in the last month of the year and the final sprint towards Christmas. Funnily enough, there’s very little coming out this month but a lot of what’s coming out is actually worth watching! Some… not so much. ROOOOOLLLLLIIINNGGG STTTAAAAAAAARRRTT!!!
Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.
The Month In Movies : December 2011
Hugo (2nd December)
Director: Martin Scorsese
Starring: Ben Kingsley, Chloe Moretz, Asa Butterfield
Yes, the adverts have not made it sound anything near decent in the slightest, but in Scorsese we trust! Plus, there’s been great buzz from and Chloe Moretz! So even if Asa is an annoying twerp (and initial buzz says he isn’t) then there’ll be Miss Moretz there to lay the acting smackdown on all their candy asses! Plus, it cost $170 million! You kind of have to go see it to ensure it doesn’t bomb horrifically!
The Thing (2nd December)
Director: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.
Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead (swoon!), Joel Edgerton, A Bunch Of People Who Are Not Kurt Motherf*cking Russell
Sigh. Shame this sucks, really. Ramona Flowers really does deserve better. Speaking of which, have I mentioned that I’m in love with her? Riley Sterns, when I’ve perfected my Quantum Leap machine, I’m coming for your ass!
Happy Feet Two (2nd December)
Director: George Miller
Starring: Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, P!nk
Christ, I still cannot believe that George Miller, as in Mad Max-George Miller, is responsible for the Happy Feet series. That’s a mid-life crisis if I ever saw one. I never particularly enjoyed Happy Feet 1, but if you enjoyed that then I’m sure you’ll love this one. Probably.
The Big Year (2nd December)
Director: David Frankel
Starring: Jack Black, Owen Wilson, Steve Martin
Ever wanted to see three once funny comedians slumming it for all it’s worth? Then have I got the movie for you!
Margaret (2nd December)
Director: Kenneth Lonergan
Starring: Anna Paquin, Matt Damon, Mark Ruffalo
This is that one movie that has technically been finished since 2007 but took the director 4 years to find an edit he liked. They even sued him over it! Safe to say, this probably isn’t going to be worth your time.
New Year’s Eve (8th December)
Director: Gary Marshall
Starring: A Whole Lotta People, Most Of Which Should Better
Your girlfriend will want to see this. If you go with her, she will probably let you have sex with her afterwards. That is all you need to know. Yes, I am presuming here cos I’ve never felt the touch of a non-family related woman but shut up! SEX!
Puss In Boots (9th December)
Director: Chris Miller
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Zack Galifianakis, Salma Hayek
I like Alex. I trust Alex. His movie tastes often match up with mine. But I still, for the life of me, cannot understand why he gave this film 4 stars. But, then again, does he like DreamWorks films? I cannot abide them, personally. Almost each and every one of them has been wretched. Admittedly, I haven’t watched any since Kung Fu Panda (the last straw for me) so I’m probably no better than those people who hate stuff they’ve never even watched. But I am a man of principle! Also… awful, awful trailer.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (9th December)
Director: Todd Strauss-Schulson
Starring: John Cho, Kal Penn, Neil Patrick Harris
Look, I would love nothing more than to see this do fantastically well. But would you like to know what the last 18-rated 3D movie release in this country was? Drive Angry. You may commence weeping.
Another Earth (9th December)
Director: Mike Cahill
Starring: William Mapother, Brit Marling
Leaving this here for those who care. Here’s the synopsis from IMDb. “On the night of the discovery of a duplicate planet in the solar system, an ambitious young student and an accomplished composer cross paths in a tragic accident.” If you’re interested, then expect a very limited release and for Guardian readers to whinge about how the distributor is truly underestimating their potential audience.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (16th December)
Director: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace
You know, I liked the first Sherlock Holmes. It was breezy, it was fun, and Law were a fantastic Holmes and Watson, the mystery was crap… But I honestly can’t tell you a single specific thing about it. Not a particular scene. Not a line. Nothing. Saying that; this sequel looks like good fun and there are worse ways to waste £8. You should go watch it…
And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (16th December)
Director: Mike Mitchell
Starring: Why, David Cross? WHHHYYYY?!!
…unlike this, which you should avoid like the plague.
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (26th December)
Director: Brad Bird
Starring: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Ving Rhames
Yeah, we really are at the end of the month already. Anyways, regardless of quality (though it does help that this looks like big, dumb, stupid fun), you all need to see this. All of you. Why? Three words: Brad f*cking Bird. This is his first chance at a live action blockbuster and if it fails, he won’t get another. Get out there and show some f*cking support! That is a direct order!
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (26th December)
Director: David Fincher
Starring: Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig, Christopher Plummer
To all of you who are going, “Urgh! It’s remaking another foreign language film that recently came out for no reason at all! It’ll be crap cos it’s not in its original language! Wah wah wah!” I have an answer for you. David Fincher. Ah ba ba! David Fincher. Se7en, Fight Club, Panic Room, Zodiac, Benjamin Button, Social Network. All your arguments are invalid. The fact that so far it is looking brilliant and has Trent Reznor on the soundtrack duties is just gravy. So, to those people; calm down, take a deep breath and whilst your mouth is open shove your d*ck in it. That way I don’t have to hear from you and maybe you can finally find a little bit of satisfaction.
The Lady (30th December)
Director: Luc Besson
Starring: Michelle Yeoh, David Thewlis, Jonathon Woodhouse
Directed by Luc Besson (no, really) of all people, this biopic is clearly designed for ze Oscars. Having said that, it doesn’t look too horrible, and the subject matter seems interesting (it’s on Aung San Suu Kyi, look her up, boys and girls). Plus, we Brits usually have to wait till next month before we get Oscar bait movies so it’ll be nice to be able to see for ourselves whether one is any good or not before we get a collection of retirement home awards committee folks tripping over themselves to shove the Oscars noms for it in our faces.
The Artist (30th December)
Director: Michel Hazanavicius
Starring: Jean Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo
Yeah, this is really getting a release. The French comedy that’s going to be a sure fire hit at the Oscars is getting a release. Oh, and did I mention that it’s a black and white silent movie? If you enjoy this sort of thing, go nuts!
And that, finally, is 2011 in movies. So, which films are you looking forward to seeing in December? Are you planning on smacking your kids straight across their fat stupid faces if they even dare to mention going to see & The Chipmunks, just like I would? Hit the comments below and start a discussion! This feature will return in the New Year so to be notified of exactly when that occurs, follow me! Till next time!
jackanderson will never lose his head tonight.