The Hangover Quotes (2009)

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Leslie Chow Haha it's funny because he's fat!
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Leslie Chow So long, gay boys!
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Phil Wenneck Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner What? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck Yeah...that's not gonna happen.
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Stu Price (Talking to baby)Everything is going o be O.K.? (Turn around) What the fuck is going on?
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Doctor You guys kept talking how you just came from a wedding, at Best Little Chapel, you guys kept talking how great it was..
Phil Wenneck But you know where Best Chapel is?
Doctor I do,it's on the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off.
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Lady in elevator Oh how cute!What's his name?
Phil Wenneck Ben.
Alan Garner Carlos.
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Phil Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Yeah, I checked all the rooms, no one's there. Check its collar or something.
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Alan Hey Phil, look! He's jackin' his little weenis!
Phil Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Not at the table, Carlos!
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Phil Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
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Phil You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Wearing what?
Phil The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil So does Joy Behar.
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Alan Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me. The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
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Alan Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Ha ha ha. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack...and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, Wait a second, could it be? And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
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Stu So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Coffee Bean.
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Alan Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil Who cares, man.
Alan Do you know Stu?
Stu I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan But it's not tonight right?
Stu No I don't think so.
Alan But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
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Doug Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Oh really?
Doug It's not easy.
Alan Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ratard.
Stu A what?
Alan He was a ratard.
Doug REtard.
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Alan Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu It's also illegal.
Alan It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
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Sid Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes...that shit'll come back with you.
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Stu You're such a fuckin' moron!
Alan Your language is offensive!
Stu Fuck you!
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Phil God dammit!
Alan Gosh darn it!
Phil Shit!
Alan Shoot!
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Alan Doug, I want you to know I'm a steel trap. No matter what happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug Thanks Alan, I don't really think that's necessary but...
Alan Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug What?
Alan You heard me. It's Sin City.
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Alan What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil How'd he die?
Alan World War II.
Phil Died in battle?
Alan No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
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Alan Not at the table Carlos!
Alan Look, he's jerking his little weinus!
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Alan It's not a purse, it's a satchel. Indiana Jones has one.....
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Alan Garner Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
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Stu Price Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan That's highly unlikely.
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Stu Price You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Thank you.
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Stu Price (playing the piano and singing) What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.
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Stu Price I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
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Stu Price Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
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Stu Price That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.
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Stu Price You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
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Stu Price She's wearing my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Phil Wenneck Oh man...
Alan Garner I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust?
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Alan Garner Haha driving drunk, classic!
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Alan Garner Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.
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Alan Garner Haha, classic mix up.
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Alan Garner It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
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Alan Garner Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa What do you mean?
Alan Garner I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa I'm not sure.
Alan Garner Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa Um, there's a phone in your room.
Alan Garner That'll work.
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Alan Garner Can I ask you another question?
Lisa Sure.
Alan Garner You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa What do you mean?
Alan Garner Did, um, did Caesar live here?
Lisa No.
Alan Garner I didn't think so.
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Leslie Chow Toodaloo, muthafuckas!
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Alan Garner You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
  • In today's dollars
    Domestic $277,322,503
    Foreign +190,001,160
  • = total worldwide gross $467,323,663
  • - a reported budget of $35,000,000
  • = a 1,235.2% net profit of $432,323,663
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