Conan

Guests

Zach Galifinakis

Sig Hansen

Raphael Sidiq

Monologue Jokes

• How are you, Andy? You ready to go? [Andy: I'm surprised you're talking to me. I don't know why they bought it.] I'm talking past you.]
• I've got amazing news at the top of the show. A few hours ago, Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. [Audience cheers.] Yeah. Well, for you. Yeah. You're happy. But this is devastating news for Trumps supporters. All of whom are late night comedians. It ruined my life. [Andy: What's bad for the country is good for us.] Thank you. That's the slogan for this show, I think. "It's bad for America but good for Conan."
• Over the last couple of days now, both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced that they are not running for president. [Audience awws.] Yeah. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michelle Bachman and Rick Santorum. Trumps departure opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey. They are going to be running soon. You let me know how I'm doing, sir.
• It's true. Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that he is not going to be running for president. It was a stunning piece of television. Take a look. [A clip shows Donald Trump announcing his decision. A clip from Oprah plays where audience members cheer. Trump waves goodbye. -- Andy: Usually the Washington Press Corps is a little more reserved.] I know. I've never seen them that happy.
• A lot going on in the country. Last week, Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul. [Audience member woos.] Yeah. One out of three hundred. Not a good sign. Yeah. Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and  prostitution. [Audience cheers.] Unfortunately, not in enough time to be cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on Two and a Half Men.
• Details still coming out about the bin Laden raid. That raid is what, now, two weeks old? [Andy: At least.] It seems like they release a new factoid every day. They keep telling us a little something extra. "Ooh, he was wearing slippers." And then tomorrow: "Blue slippers!" A new one. President Obama, I guess he called to explain to former President Bush how he ordered Seal Team Six to take out bin Laden. Bush reportedly said, "Good call." That's what he told him. Actually, his exact words were, "Good call, but I still would have sent Batman." Apparently, for eight years, that's his answers to everything. "Get Batman in there."
• They are now saying. This is a good one. They are now saying that they found so much pornography at Osama bin Laden's compound, did you know this? They found a ton of pornography there. I didn't ask if you liked pornography. And then you brought it here to the show. Under the seat for the show. They now say that they found so much pornography at Osama bin Laden's compound that they are investigating to see whether the porn was used to send coded messages. [Audience groans.] So, remember, guys. When your lady catches you, you are not looking at porn. You are analyzing coded messages. [Conan mimes a person being surprised by his wife walking in on him looking at porn. He hastily takes out a calculator and pretends to break a code. -- Andy: Honey, I'm not looking at porn. I'm in al Qaeda.] To get you in less trouble. "Oh, al Qaeda, now that's different." That's my woman voice.
• Two days after the Osama bin Laden raid, Disney trademarked the term Seal Team Six. Yeah, Disney also renamed its most popular ride to It's a Small World, and We Will Find Where You Are Hiding and Kill You. That's right. Can you imagine kids riding through that ride. [Conan mimes a terrified kid on a ride.]
• Southwest Airlines is being criticized because they told two passengers they were two fat to fly. Things got even more embarrassing when the two passengers turned out to be one guy. [Conan mimes being a huge person.]
• At the Cannes Film Festival this past weekend, an audience gave a ten minute standing ovation to a silent film. Apparently, somebody showed Burlesque with the sound off. [Audience groans.] It's a Burlesque crowd. I wasn't aware. "Don't you say a word about that." Cher's my friend.
• I got to mention this. Shut up, you. I'm yelling at my own people. This past weekend, you probably heard about this. It's getting a  lot of discussion. Famous physicist Steven Hawking said that there is no heaven and that people who believe there is believe in fairy tales. [Audience boos.] Friends say it was the most awkward wedding toast ever.
• 

  Larry King and Andy Richter.
  I want to talk about an old friend of mine who recently went off the air. I'm talking about Larry King. You got to love Larry King in one way or another. He was on TV for a long time, over 75 years. He has been super busy. He is opening a video shop in Beverly Hills. He is going on a standup tour. I was just watching the guy on television. He is the fabric of American media. I miss the guy. That is why I am proud to announce tonight that Larry is back with an all new episode of his brand new show. Once again, this is special, I don't think this has ever been done before. It is going to be broadcast from the rafters of my studio. So now, please welcome from 30 feet above me, Larry King! [Larry: Hey, Conan!] Hey, Larry. Good to see you, Larry. We're all so excited. [Larry: Yeah, me too.]  Larry, I'm sure we would all enjoy if we could see a little bit of your new show. [Larry: Sure thing, Conan. Hey, I'm back! Ah, they still love me. -- Larry takes calls. A caller asks if Larry ever worries about falling. Larry explains that his suspenders are nailed to the wall. Conan says he did not know that Larry was going to be taking calls. Larry takes another call. The caller asks whose name is written on the beam next to him. Larry says it is Humphrey Bogart's name. He explains that some classics entertainment was shot in this studio, unlike the garbage they are shooting right now. Conan is insulted. Larry takes another call. The caller asks if Larry misses being on a real network. Larry directs the question to Conan. Conan cuts off Larry, but Larry says that he has a guest. Andy Richter joins him in the rafters. Larry says that Andy is the real star of Conan. Conan says he is going to continue with his show, but Larry continues his show. Andy says that Conan looks tiny. Larry says that Conan is a small man physically and spiritually. Conan points out that he looks tiny from the rafters. Larry asks who else is on. Conan thanks Larry for moving him along. Larry invites Andy to go get dinner. They leave.]

Four African-Americans and a White Guy.

Conan's Doctor Draws Conan's Penis.