The content below is entirely editable.
With Surprise Appearance by Slash
Conan-Black Rock Off
Jack Black Strums.
Conan Cheats Using Slash.
World's Smallest Miniatures of the World's Largest Things
World's Largest Catsup Bottle.
World's Largest Burning Turkey.
World's Largest Cow Hairball.
- Here in Los Angeles, You have to mention the rain. I can tell. Yes... Why are you applauding the rain? Oh, yes. I see. It's a salamander. "I like it." It has been unbelievable. It has been raining for what 8 days? Nine days? [Andy: Yeah. Well, who's counting?] I thought that you were but apparently not. [Andy: I can't count.] This is the episode where we found out Andy can't count. It has been raining so much that talk show hosts in Los Angeles are legally required to do jokes about the rain. Did you know that? I don't want to, but I have to do a couple? Can we get this out of the way.
- It's been raining so hard that the rain briefly brushed the hair out of Justin Bieber's eyes. [Conan mimes blowing his hair out of his eyes by using his fingers as bangs.] "Cut it out. I don't like it."
- It rained so hard that Charlie Sheen locked a mermaid in his closet. Thank you. Thank you very much.
- You know it is Christmastime, so in the Spirit of Christmas I'm going to let Andy do the next rain joke. What do you say? [Andy: I'm going to be my own cue card guy. We've got record amounts of rain here in Southern California.] We sure have, Andy. [Andy: We sure have, Conan. Which explains why we have the new show on Bravo The New Houseboat Wives of Beverley Hills. -- Audience Groans. Andy: Oh, please. -- Andy hands away the cue card to an audience member. Andy: Here, have a mini-Cue card of a stinker of a joke.]
- Historic day in Washington. Today, President Obama signed the official repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell into law. Yeah. He would have signed it last night but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of Glee.
- According to a new report that's come out. Fewer Santa's are finding work this Holiday Season. Yeah. I took my kid to the mall, and she had to tell her Christmas wishes to Rashi in Bangalore. [Conan mimes talking into a phone.] That's a phone.
- There's this new web video that just came out that tells the story of the Baby Jesus would have been like if there were Facebook back then. For instance, Joseph describes his relationship with Mary as it's complicated. [Audience groans.] That was fine. Okay?
- According to a new survey, 70% of dog owners will give their dog a Christmas present. The most popular gift if a plastic bone. Least popular: a Michael Vick Jersey. [Audience groans again.]
- You know what I love. I love the Christmas Pageants this time of year.[Andy: Yeah, they're great.] Are you still mad about that joke? [Andy: They all can't be golden, can they?] Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was just on TV. [Audience member shouts, "Yeah!" loudly.] This woman over here just said, "Yeah," like is was sexy or something. "Get it on, Rudolph. I'm going to watch me some Rudolph tonight." What the hell is your problem? No, anyway, Rudolph was on TV the other night, and if you noticed, they updated it to be a little more contemporary. I don't know if they should have. Take a look. [A clip of Rudolph learning to fly is cut with Sarah Palin hunting deer. She eventually shoots and kills Rudolph.] My kids cried for four hours. "Why did that lady do that?"
- Anyone that's been checking out our show knows that we have a new Holiday Character: Minty the Candy Cane. He's not only a candy cane. He fell on the ground. His catchy song puts anyone in the Holiday spirit. Well, folks, I'm afraid that I have some very bad news for you. I found out that about an hour before the show that Minty has fallen on the ground again. [Audience gasps.] Thank you for pretending this is a real thing. The whole front row looks horrified. No, he fell on the ground again and now he's covered in even more stuff. [Andy: NO!] Andy, it's true. You're selling the hell out of this one. I'm sorry, Andy. Minty fell again and there may not be a Christmas this year. What? Did anyone hear that? That sound could only mean one thing. [Minty enters with more objects attached to him including hair, a bottle cap, and a fly.
Minty Song Variation
When you hear that sleigh bell sound,
You can't keep him down.
He's Minty the Candy Cane that briefly fell on the ground.
Minty fell on the ground.
Oh, Minty's covered in goo.
Cause Minty fell on the ground
for just a moment of two.
Hate to be the one to tell you
Minty fell in something yellow.
But now he's here
and spreading Christmas cheer
with a Minty case of Salmonella.
Minty fell on the ground.
Now, Minty's covered in pee.
Because Minty fell on the ground
for just a moment or three.