Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen User Reviews

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A lot people ask me what I think of this movie. They know that film geeks go stark raving mad whenever this film gets mentioned in any sentence involving the words “good” or “awesome.” To clarify to anyone why I don’t like this film (and why I think it’s the worst film of all time), here’s a bullet point list to explain. Without further ado, let’s start eviscerating the most miserable film experience I have ever endured.

1. THE BUDGET WAS $200 MILLION AND THE CREW WAS EXPERIENCED

“Manos: The Hand of Fate.” “The Creeping Terror.” “Skydivers.” “Red Zone Cuba”. All of these films have 2 things in common:

1. They are considered some of the worst films of all time

2. They were extremely low budget films with almost strictly amateurs in them

“Transformers 2” was not working with amateur actors, writers, or even a director. When I mean amateur, I mean people who have never been in or worked on a film before. While Michael Bay isn’t exactly an A+ director, he has worked on several films in the past and even created some decent ones (“The Rock” and “The Island”). The writers for this film also wrote the recent “Star Trek” reboot that actually was pretty good, so they don’t have an excuse for writing such an atrocious script with more plot holes than missiles are fired in the film (which is a horrific number). I know Shia isn’t that good of an actor, but why is his only good performance in “Holes”? Why hasn’t he done a single good job since then? I won’t go into Megan Fox right now, so let me get to the second part of this point: Budget. Now, I’m not saying BIG BUDGET = GOOD MOVIE (*cough* Spiderman 3 *cough*), but it does raise expectations. It would appear that $199 million was spent on special effects and the remaining million for hiring the twitchiest camera men in the world. Speaking of which…

2. TOO MUCH FREAKING SHAKY CAM

Let me clarify that this movie almost has one redeeming factor: The visual effects for the transformers are quite well done. The reason that I say it’s almost a redeeming factor is because the camera never seems to have time to focus on the designs because it appears the camera men were on IV drips full of Speed. Shaky cam is the single worst gimmick in filmmaking nowadays. There is only one time it has ever worked: District 9. It worked all right in The Hurt Locker and it almost damaged The Bourne Ultimatum. SHAKY CAM NEEDS TO GO AWAY. But this film uses it way too much, leading to points where I thought I was cheering for an autobot only to realize it was actually a decepticon. Oops.

3. MEGAN FOX IS THE MOST WOODEN ACTRESS EVER

Let me start this by stating a fact: MEGAN FOX IS NOT THAT HOT

Don’t get me wrong, she’s not ugly, but she’s moderately hot at best. If she was a complete stunner, I might almost forgive her acting, but since she resembles a slightly hot Hooter’s waitress, I can’t. It’s unusually bad here because quite a few scenes try and focus on her, mostly for sex appeal, but some for actual emotional resonance. It fails to say the least. She is beyond the usual kind of bad, but when she tries, calling her acting cringe-worthy doesn’t suffice. How about suicide inducing? Yeah, that works.

4. RACISM IS NOT THAT FUNNY

I know. Last time I checked, I am a little tan, but I’m certainly not black. But the infamous Twins in this film have one major problem: They are not funny. You know how Dave Chapelle’s skits about racism are hilarious? Like his “Black White Supremacist” skit? You know why they are funny? 2 reasons: They are actually kind of clever, but most importantly DAVE CHAPELLE IS BLACK. The voice actors for the Twins, Tom Kenny, is not only white, but the voice actor for Spongebob. SPONGEBOB. Arguably one of the whitest cartoon characters in existence. Combine that with the fact the designs for the Twins include chimp like faces, gold teeth, and the line “We don’t do much readin’ for where we come from.”, and you have a horrifically terrible mistake in motion.

5. GROSS HUMOR SHOULDN’T EVEN BE IN THIS AT ALL

There are a lot of cases of stupidly immature humor in this film, even if you cut out the racism. The dogs humping scene, Wheelie humping Megan Fox’s leg, and a few others. Gross humor can actually be done as clever and funny (case and point, “The Hangover”), but there’s a much more important question here:

Why was it in the movie in the first place?

Am I the only one who has seen some of the cartoons? Do you remember an episode where an autobot suddenly took a piss on government agents? Do you remember an episode where Wheelie started humping another character’s leg? Do you? No. This kind of humor should never have been associated with Transformers, but now it is. And it’s very unfortunate. But if you are going to insert that kind of humor, make it funny dammit. But it’s not, so it only prompts more questions.

6. GET A BETTER SCRIPT

I remember reading a rumor somewhere that the writers for this film were actually locked into a hotel room for a month by Michael Bay and forced to write the entire script in that one month. One can only assume that at least 20 days were spent watching TV while ordering pizza and smoking crack before a single word was written for the script. I can’t even begin to describe the plot holes here, but I don’t have to. Just watch this video and it basically tears Transformers 2 apart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEdZ-yjxHLI

7. TOO MANY HUMAN CHARACTERS NO ONE WILL EVER CARE ABOUT

Question: Why would a film called TRANSFORMERS only have TRANSFORMERS in it for about 25% of the actual film while the other 75% is occupied by HUMAN characters? I do not care about the Indian roommate, Sam Witwicky, his parents, or any character except maybe John Turrtoro’s character simply on the grounds that he’s slightly more amusing than the rest. I was literally praying during the desert fight scene that a rocket or bullet would hit Sam’s parents and kill them in the most violent fashion possible. But that never happened. 

AND THE MOST COMPELLING ARGUMENT OF THEM ALL:

8. MICHAEL BAY HIMSELF CALLED THIS MOVIE BAD

You really have to think about this one to let it sink in: The director of Pearl Harbor admitted that one his movies was flat out bad. The director of PEARL HARBOR. The founder of production company Platinum Dunes, responsible for horror remakes like Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, admitted his movie was bad. He genuinely thinks that every other film he has done was good. And he admitted that this one was bad. HOLY SWEET JESUS ON A STICK THAT’S INSANE.

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I want to make something clear here: I actually don’t mind the first Transformers. It was actually pretty decent for a popcorn flick. It was flawed though, and I figured they would try and fix those flaws for the sequel. Instead, the flaws were magnified times a million with disastrous results. In total, I believe that this is the worst film of all time.

This has been The Guy With the Deep Voice.