Conan

Guests

Demitri Martin

Kat Dennings

Amos Lee

Monologue Jokes

• Welcome to the show, everybody, and what a show we have here tonight. I have no idea. I literally have no idea what kind of show we have tonight. [Andy: It'll be fine. Just read the cards, and it'll be over in an hour.] My name is Conan.
• Did everybody have a nice Mother's Day? This is a true story. I don't know if you read about this in the paper, but Hooters gave out Free wings to moms. That's true. I swear I didn't even know that when I took my mom there yesterday. It was a great coincidence. Mom, Brandy. Brandy, this  is mom. "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. O'Brien."
• Have you heard that President Obama is giving interviews now. Well, he's starting to give interviews about the raid. And on 60 Minutes, he gave one of the longest interviews about the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound. He said that the raid into Pakistan was the "longest 40 minutes of his life." With the possible exception of every time he asked Joe Biden, "Hey, what's up?" [Conan makes jaws movements while vocalizing.] That's my Joe Biden impression. It's also my lab skeleton.
• What's going on? In a recent interview about killing Osama bin Laden, former Vice President Dick Cheney -- Dick Cheney -- said he gives President Obama high marks. Then he said, "Trust me. I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face." [Audience claps.] Thank you. [Conan curtsies.] It's like I'm wearing a dress.
• According to reports, Osama bin Laden would often sit around his compound, watching old video of himself. Yeah. Even stranger, he would do so while listening to Green Day's "Time of Your Life." [Conan looks sad and watches TV. He ululates.] That was rewind. [Audience laughs.] Just to be clear. That was the rewind button. I don't want to get any letters. Okay, then. We're all good. [Conan does his Biden impression.]
• This is weird. You know that famous photo of the White House Situation Room as the raid happened? Well, a conservative Jewish newspaper photoshopped Hillary Clinton out of that famous photo because her presence was sexually suggestive. After hearing this, President Clinton said that whatever she was suggesting was not sexual. Trust me. [Conan does his Bill Clinton impression.] Then he does that thing.
• Another Republican is about to announce he is about to run for president. [One person cheers.] Okay. The wealthiest guy here. He's dressed like the Monopoly Money guy. "Hoo-ray! I say. Good stuff." No, Newt Gingrich they say is about to announce. [Shot of Andy just standing, listening. Conan laughs.] I think my favorite shot of all time on this show is a shot of you just doing nothing. [Shot cuts back to Andy standing, smiling.] So, look. You were neither confirming or denying anything I was saying. [Andy: No, it was shocked silence.] Let's try that again with the Andy cutaway I love so much. Hey, you all hear that New Gingrich is about to run for president? [Shot of Andy.] I just enjoy that. You know some people may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So, the new campaign slogan for Newt Gingrich is: "Newt Gingrich, So committed to Marriage. He Can't Stop Doing It." [Shot of Andy.] That helped me out. A lot. Thanks. [Andy: Sure, no problem. Is the joke over?] Now you're not helping so much.
• You a Glee fan? [Andy: A what, Conan?] A Glee fan? [Andy: Of course I'm a Glee fan. Ha-ha!] The fake pirate laugh at the end didn't help. It's been announced that this week, Glee will perform its version of Rebecca Black's "Friday." [Audience groans.] Unless Team Six gets there in time. [Audience cheers. Conan prays and mimes a person with a large gun running off.]
• What else is going on? Simon Cowell has hired Paula Abdul to be a judge on his new show The X Factor. When asked why, he responded that Paula has experience, talent, and he can pay her in cases of raw turkey. [Audience groans.]
• This is crazy. McDonald's is trying to make their restaurants more like Starbucks. Do you like that? McDonald's more like Starbucks? [Scattered Audience applause.] As a result, Starbucks is no longer the most depressing place people go to work on their screenplay.
• Regis Philbin has announced that he is coming out with a memoir this fall. The book will be released as a Hardback, on Kindle, and as an extremely loud Book on Tape. [Conan mimes driving along and putting on the audiobook. The shouting of Regis Philbin startles him into driving into an oncoming truck.]
• Gotta mention this. This is crazy. Health officials in the Philippines held a circumcision party for boys. A circumcision party for young boys. The guests all agreed that the worst part of the party had to have been the bouncy castle. [Conan demonstrates the joke.] What? What? No! [Shot of Andy.] Probably shouldn't act that one out.
• Earlier I mentioned that possible Republican candidates running for president. Well, last week, Fox News held the first Republican debate of the season. Observers have been commenting on how dull they find the debate. I watched the debate. I disagree. I thought they come across as a pretty fun group. [A clip plays from the debate. It is edited to make it look like the candidates want to legalize and smoke marijuana. The clip continues to show the candidates supporting prostitution and gay marriage.]
• 

  Osama bin Laden is an Inconsiderate Roommate.
  Of course, maybe the biggest story over the weekend may have been the U.S. government releasing some videos of Osama bin Laden at home in his compound in Abottabad. You probably saw this. When I heard about this, I thought that these videos would be revealing. When I watched them, it just showed how mundane bin Laden's life was. [A clip plays where bin Laden watches Cable television. His roommate chastises him for using his Axe Body Spray and drinking all the milk. The clip ends with bin Laden watching Conan.]