Conan

Guests

Denis Leary

Ice Cube

Tim Minchin

Special Appearance by James Lipton

Monologue Jokes

• This weather in this country right now. It really is insane. Did you know that it is snowing just about everywhere right now? Are you aware of that? [One person claps.] It's Cold Miser. Yeah, right now there is snow on the ground in 49 of 50 states with the only exception being Florida. In other words, people are driving 20 miles an hour on the highway. [Nobody   laughs.] Okay, let's start again. The show just began. Oh, yes. Thank you. [Audience Cheers. Conan Dances.] Did you hear this one?
• 

   A Phallic Museum.
  This is a true story. Today, San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first Gay History Museum. That's right. The museum is called San Francisco. [Audience cheers.] I knew that was the one to start the monologue with. This is true, though. They just built a Museum of Gay History in San Francisco. It's incredible. This thing is kind of hard to miss. Take a look. [Conan shows a picture of a photoshopped image of a Phallic Building.] I don't get it myself.
• Of course, Oscars are coming up soon. Not really. I just said that to have a nice transition. Oscars will be along in a few months. Black Swan. Who has seen Black Swan here? [Audience cheer.] In recent interviews, Natalie Portman has been describing her solo sex   scene as super awkward. Meanwhile, guys are describing at as the thing that made them see a movie about ballet. [Conan mimes a man eating popcorn and watching a movie screen showing Natalie Portman masturbate. Andy: I never thought of it as solo sex. I always thought of it as what you do when you can't have sex. That's going to change things for me now. I'm going to feel a lot better about myself because I'll be getting it on instead of just being sad and lonely.] Where is all this coming from? Apparently, you've wanted to talk about this at the opening of every show since we started, but there was never an opening until now. [Andy fakes crying. Audience awes. Andy perks up.] They really liked your acting.
• Disney is in the news. Disney has announced they will be opening a theme park in Israel. That's true. Yeah, officials predict the most popular ride will be the boat ride It's a Small but Occupied Territory. [Conan mimes the mannequins from It's a Small World flapping their heads.] They do that right? [Andy: You mean Disney characters?] Yeah, sure.
• Hey, I don't know if we have any James Bond fans here. [Audience claps.] MGM says that the next James Bond movie almost didn't get made because the economy is so bad. So bad they almost didn't make the new James Bond movie. This explains the new James Bond villain Cash for Goldfinger. [Audience claps appreciatively.] Move it along. That's fine. Move it along.
• A prominent scientist has written a book asking NASA to send couples into Space to test the effects of Zero Gravity on sex. That's what they want to do. Yeah, NASA wants to send married couples into Space to test the effects of Zero Sex. You'll see what they're talking about later in your lives.
• This is weird. The other day this guy held up a bank. He held a up a bank and demanded that the teller hand over all of her $20, $40, and $60 bills. That's true. Luckily, he left when the teller told him, "Sir, all I have are 80s." [Audience groans.] Almost as funny as the premise.
• This joke is terrible. And I'm saying that after the last one. [Andy: As opposed to that gold we laid on them earlier.] Shut up. Shut up, Andy. I am going to leave it up to the audience. Should I do this last joke or not? [Audience cheers.] All right. This is good. I have made   the last decision yours. This is genius.
• Folks in Japan, a video game developer has made a game for bathrooms that users control with their urine stream. That's true. The game is available exclusively on the Nintendo Wee-wee. [Audience cheers sarcastically.] What are you doing? That was terrible. What is wrong with you people? I'm in the position of yelling at them for liking something horrible. I love these people [Audience whoops.]
• 

   It's Snowing on La Bamba.
  I haven't mentioned this yet because I didn't have time in the   monologue. Huge blizzard today in the Northwest. The weather is getting crazy. And it's snowing just about everywhere in the country. I've brought this up for a reason. 49 out of 50 states have snow on the ground right now. It's unbelievable. It's so bad even our studio has been effective. It's snowing right now on our trombone player La Bamba. He's very hard hit. [Snow falls on La Bamba.] Oh, please. It's not real snow. It's asbestos. [La Bamba looks surprised.] Terrible. It's just terrible. It's still going? It's not stopping. [It continues to snow on La Bamba.]
• As most of you know, we did a show for many years in New York. [It continue snowing on La Bamba.] It's very hard to compete with this right now. It's my fault. I didn't say anything during rehearsal. Anyway, a   lot of years we did a show in New York City, and one of my favorite visitors to that show was Dean Emeritus of the Pace University's Actor's Studio and host of Bravo's Inside the Actor's Studio James Lipton. I've been a big fan of his. Yeah. Well, I heard that Dean Lipton was in town this week and thought I would have him come out and say, "Hi," on the new show tonight. Please welcome Dean James Lipton. [James Lipton walks on stage to cheers. He shakes hands with Conan.] I haven't seen you since the Late Night Show. It's terrific to have you back on this program. [Lipton: Oh, it's a joy to be back with you. And Conan as your probably know, I've worn many hats in my life: Writer, Director, Lyricist, Actor, Producer and also Academician, but nothing, nothing has brought me more pleasure than doing comedy bits on your old show. And I want you to know that I am ready, willing, and able to do bits on your new TBS program. If you will have me.] Listen. That is so nice of you to offer. I don't have anything right now, but if I think of something, I promise I will let you know. [Lipton: I see.] Dean James Lipton everybody. [Lipton walks off stage dissapointed.]
• 

   James Lipton Waits for a Part on Conan's New Show.
  [It continues to snow on La Bamba. Conan lists the night's guests. James Lipton's head appears as a gigantic set of eyes behind Conan. He asks if anything new has turned up for him yet. Conan says that nothing has. Lipton asks Andy. Andy also says no. Lipton says he will be right behind Conan whenever he's ready. Lipton claims he can do bits with the guests. Conan says it is creepy. Lipton shifts so his mouth is behind Conan. Conan says that this position is creepier.]