Conan

Guests

Johnny Knoxville

Kaley Cuoco

Thompson Square

Monologue Jokes

• Yeah! That was fantastic for me, thank you! Before the show, I was like, "Oh, I don't know," but after that, I can do anything! [Andy: Prove it!] You've made me crazily overconfident. I'm going to fly. [Conan leaps in the air.] That went well. Are you ready for the show, Andy? [Andy: I sure am, Conan.] So, much anger in that, Andy. [Andy: Oh, I'm ready...]
• I don't know if you've heard this, but late night comedians are all over it. There's been another mishap with Sarah Palin. You've probably heard about this. During an interview with Fox News, Sarah Palin stated that we were in a Squirmish with Libya. After she was corrected, she said, "Listen, I shouldn't be expected to get everything 100% Acura." [Conan mimes being Sarah Palin -- wearing glasses and shooting a duck in flight.]
• Speaking of impressions that I do. You've all heard that Donald Trump is running for president. Donald Trump is considering running for President, I guess. He's making all of these public appearance, and people learning his political views. In an interview with Fox News, Donald Trump says that President Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he is a Muslim. That's what Trump said. He said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. [Conan impersonates Donald Trump -- The band starts playing a song.] If you can't play the real thing, don't play it. I hate that knock off.
• This is a weird story. In Maine, Republicans in the state legislature are trying to loosen child labor laws in order to allow younger children to work more hours. [Audience groans.] Yes! Thank you for pretending to be outraged. "What? What is this?" The people back there are hamming it up. "Good God!" Yeah, let's do the set up again. In Maine... [Andy: You forgot what you said.] No, no, yeah, yeah. In Maine, Republicans, this is crazy, are trying to loosen child labor laws so that younger children can work more hours. Which explains why Maine's license plates replaced the motto "Vacation Land" with "Get Back to Work, Timmy." [Audience is silent.] Not worth it. I walked a long way back to get that. Wasn't worth it.
• al-Qaeda, or al-Kie-duh, however you want to do it, has a magazine. That's true. That's not the joke. It may be the joke, but there's another part. al-Qaeda has a magazine that's most recent issue features a profile on Libyan Dictator Momar Gaddafi. That's true. It also features a section on fitness called "Death to Cottage Cheese Thighs." [Audience applauds.] What the hell was that? [Andy: That was people just don't like cottage cheese thighs.] "Eh... let's applaud that one."
• An ancestry society. Stick with me on this one. [Andy: Sounds good already.] Thank you, buddy. An ancestry society has found that Prince William's fiancé Kate Middleton is a distant cousin to Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah. This explains why on her wedding day, Kate Middleton plans to put on a pair of cargo pants and dance up the aisle. [Andy: We're neighbors and all.] She's right over there. I just can't remember what dance she does. [Conan does awkward dances.]  It's not that, that's mine. [Conan does the string dance.] I think it's like this.
• I've got some news for you. Boy bands New Kids on the Block and The Backstreet Boys have merged. They've merged. Not to form a new super group but to share one studio apartment. [Audience cheers. -- Conan mimes being depressed.] There are people in the back that got so excited. "Oh, good he's talking about them." Slam!
• Denny's, did you hear this, Denny's is launching a new Baconalia menu, or Bacon-ale-ee-a menu, where ever item features bacon. Every single item on the menu has bacon. Which is okay, because every hospital now features Denny's customers.
• In a recent study, 10% of women say they frequently feel sad after sex. [Audience awws.] I hate to brag, but I think it takes a real man to make a woman feel sad during sex. [Conan congratulates himself and points to members of the audience. -- Andy: You sad yet, baby? You sad  yet?] Yes, I'm sad.
• 

  Fat Jesus and Conan.
  A new report just came out says that people that regularly attend religious ceremonies have a fifty percent chance of becoming obese later in life. It's an actual study. There it is. "High rate of obesity among religious." I  found this very strange. An actual link between religious belief and obesity. Not all religious believers are obese, but for those that have put on a few pounds over the years, we would like to introduce a new character to make you feel better. Please welcome Fat Jesus. [An overweight Jesus walks on stage.] I have to say you look different. [Jesus: Yup. I wouldn't try walking on water these days. Glug glug. What can I say? I've got an unconditional love... for Charleston Chews.] That's a good candy. [Jesus: I used to turn the other cheek, now I turn the other chin. ] Fat Jesus, everybody. [Jesus: You think I'm fat? You should see my Father. He's so fat, he's everywhere. Reese's Pieces be with you. Good night!] Jesus gets on a scooter and rides off stage.] He seems happier.

Captain America Reads a Map.

• I don't know if we have any super hero fans here. But is anybody excited about the new Captain America Movie? Heroes, they keep bringing them out. Hulk, they've done a couple of times. So, everybody is excited for this new Captain America Movie. Entertainment Tonight has been showing exclusive clips over the past few nights. The movie, I think, cost about $120 million to make. Here's a look. [An old clip of Captain America riding a motorcycle into a prison and checking a map plays.] That's the slowest paced movie I've ever seen. I found a sure way for the villains to thwart Captain America. Close a door in the hallway. "I'm screwed. I can't ride my motorcycle through office buildings anymore." [Andy: Did you see the way he read that map?] Yeah, he knew exactly what he wanted.

• 

  Fat Jesus Approves of Denny's Bacon.
  I mentioned earlier that Denny's has an all Bacon Menuu called Baconalia. I'm not kidding, they're putting bacon on everything, including Ice Cream Sundaes. Now they have this ad on television. I thought this was pretty shocking. Take a look. [An ad plays where Fat Jesus approves of bacon from Denny's.] Happiest I've ever seen him. [Andy: Good to see him getting work, too.]
• Everybody has been talking for the last couple of days about the Egyptian Cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. We had him on our show last night. He sat in with the band. It was a lot of fun. But then, just a couple of hours ago, I read online that the cobra has been found. The escaped cobra has been found in the reptile house. So, he was in the zoo the whole time. So, it got me wondering who the cobra is that has been sitting in with the band all week. [The cobra at the keyboards acts nonchalant.]  Yes, you. You're the only freaking cobra in the band. Let's face it. You're not the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo, are you? Are you? [The cobra responds by playing Boogie Woogie music on the keyboards.] Being able to play Boogie Woogie music is not an excuse. You're not the escaped Bronx Zoo Cobra, are you? [The cobra shakes its head.] So, you lied to us and killed our keyboardist Scott Healy. Just so you could get into show business. Right. Is that what you did? [Audience awws.] Thanks for playing along everyone. Well, I enjoy your moxie. I can't even do this now. "Aww, the fake stick snake is sad." No, no, no. Over here cobra. Listen cobra, I'm going to give you a second chance. I admire your moxie. Take it away, cobra! [Cobra plays the keyboards.]
• 

  Cobra Playing the Keyboards.

Man Who Lost out on Winning the Lottery.