Conan

Guests

Jeff Bridges

Nick Swardson

Far East Movement

Monologue Jokes

• Happy Monday, Andy. It's good to see you. [Andy: Yeah. It's good to see you.] That's real good banter there, ladies and gentlemen. You don't get that from every show. [Andy: You send it over to me, and I send it right back.] Very nicely done, Andy. [Andy: Thank you, Conan.] Check, please. [Conan mimes taking a paycheck and leaving.]
• That was a nice weekend. You probably all watched the Super Bowl. Half the country watched the Super Bowl. You watched. I watched. [Andy: I watched it, and I never watch any sport. Eww. Icky.] You wore a jersey for the Black Swan. That's your idea of an athletic event. No, it was quite a game. It was a very good game.
• Everyone's talking about it. Of course, there's one thing that everyone's talking about today, it's just our culture. It's Christina Aguilera who opened before the game, she sang the wrong words before the "Star Spangled Banner." Even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their song exactly right. That was just... [Conan mimes a costume made out of lights.] There was one guy in the Black Eyed Peas who didn't move the entire time. Taboo I think his name is. [Andy: Is that really his name?] Does anyone know what, is that really his real name? [Conan looks around. The Audience remains quiet. The Band shrugs.] The band doesn't know. You don't even know who the Black Eyed Peas are. You still listen to Kay Kyser's Band. That's the stuff. Some catchy jazz tunes.
• That was quite a performance, but today everybody is talking about how Christina Aguilera screwed up the lyrics to the National Anthem. And, some people noticed her flub right away, and they were not happy. You can actually see it on the video. Take a look. [Christina Aguilera sings "The Star Spangled Banner" incorrectly while a fly over of F/A-18s occurs. The flight doubles back and drops a bomb on Christina Aguilera, killing her in a plume of flame.] That's a gutsy pilot to make that decision. "That's not right. I'm going back." [Conan mimes piloting a plane and dropping a bomb. -- Andy: I read on the Internet that was for Burlesque. That had nothing to do with the words being wrong.]  You're a bad guy. You're a bad, bad man.
• Everybody at a party yesterday. Even the President. The President had a party at the White House yesterday. President Obama served a menu that had food from both Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. That explains why this morning President Obama tested positive for diabetes. He ate 45 pounds of cheese melted into a grinder.
• Speaking of Presidents, John Madden, did you see this? They cut away to John Madden sitting next to former President George W. Bush during the Super Bowl. That's right. It was really awkward when they were both caught on the KissCam. I'm just glad they went for it. That's the only thing you can do in that moment is go for it.
• Charlie Sheen, I can't believe this was in the news. Charlie Sheen, who's supposed to be in rehab, hosted a Super Bowl in the room of his mansion that's called the "Porn Room." In the twelve step program, I believe this step is known as negative seven. How does that even work? "I'm fine. I'm fine. We're just having a Hollywood Party in the Porn Room. We're fine." No temptation here.
• People are outraged last night when during the Super Bowl, I don't know if you saw this add, but there's this company Groupon that exploited the troubles in Tibet to promote their website. They talk about the problems of Tibet and then it goes to their website. A spokesman for Groupon said, "To see out apology, click on our website."
• Everyone is talking about this though. Timothy Hutton was talking about political strife in Tibet. Then the whole thing turned into a Groupon add for Tibetan food in Chicago, and that made people really angry. Anyway, I thought that it wasn't so bad compared to the other Groupon add that aired even later in the game. I thought this was worse. Take a look. [The Hindenburg explosion is used to promote Groupon discounts on Blimpy's Sandwiches. "Oh the Frugality!" -- The Audience cheers.] Oh, I guess I was wrong. You love that ad. They went crazy for it. "I gotta get me a Blimpy's sub right now!" [Andy: I'm going to go get a sandwich.]
• What else is going on? Oh, yeah. Egypt still a very big story. At an event over the weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney declared President of Egypt Hosni Mubarak a good friend. In response, President Mubarak said, "That's not helping. Thank's, pal."
• An Italian art restorer is claiming that the Mona Lisa is actually a portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci's male lover. Yeah. This would explain the painting's original title The Moaning Larry. [The Audience groans.] It would explain it. It would explain it. [One Audience member claps.] No, no, no. Don't do that. But thank you, sir. I appreciate what you're trying to do. Thank you very much. You're like, "This show is free. He seems like a nice guy. It's no skin off my ass. Why not get in there? [Andy: Or maybe he's just applauding your discomfort.] Either way, I'm happy.
• James Franco is in the news. Did you hear this about James Franco? [Andy: I did, yeah.] James Franco is teaching a film studies class where students will study characters played by James Franco in movies starring James Franco. Yeah. The class meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays halfway up James Franco's ass. [Conan mimes climbing inside of James Franco's ass. He shivers as it is cold.] I don't know why I made it cold in there. [Andy: I don't know. Why did you?] I have no idea why I made it cold. Brrr. Cold in this ass. No idea. Apologies all around. Apologies, guy I don't know. He doesn't care.
• This is interesting. Doctors, according to the latest research, say that sex during pregnancy is almost always safe and enjoyable. Unless you're the baby. In which case, it's terrifying. [Conan mimes being a fetus and swinging an imaginary axe at an attacker in the womb.] The baby has some kind of weapon. I don't know. I don't know. I can just imagine it's cold in there.
• I was talking about the Super Bowl. I want to get back to it in a second. Did you know this? Just in time that it took to play the game, it was one of the fastest ever in history. One of the fastest Super Bowls ever. When I looked back on it and thought about it. I realized it really was fast. Take a look. [A clip plays where immediately after the Packers win the coin toss they win the game. Gatorade is poured, confetti falls.] What if they just did it that way from now on? It would just be six seconds long.
• The Super Bowl was on Fox. Fox had the Super Bowl, and just before the Super Bowl aired President Obama sat down to do an interview with Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. Yeah. I watched this, I could be wrong, I'm going out on a limb here. But I don't think Bill O'Reilly likes the President. [An edited clip of Bill O'Reilly plays where he says he hates the President multiple times and then quickly calls him a Muslim for throwing to a commercial break.] He calls the President up and goes, "Muslim!"